At my elementary school, we had a gifted program. Around 2nd or 3rd grade, a few of my teachers nominated me to be in the program, but in order to officially get in I needed to take an oral exam.

I remember trembling and wanting to throw up, I was so nervous for that exam. One of the questions was, “How many are in a baker’s dozen?” I remember my brain freezing mid-thought because I was so nervous. I was embarrassed, because I knew the answers, but they just didn’t come to me when I felt uncomfortable/nervous.

A few days later, I was asked to be tested again. This time was no different from the other. Still wanting to throw up, still so ashamed. I didn’t get in again.

I remember talking to someone about this later in middle school. How I was tested twice.

He commented, “Wow you were so stupid the first time, they needed to make sure you weren’t really that dumb.”

Needless to say, I have always felt that I wasn’t smart enough. He just reiterated the very thing that was reverberating in my brain.

And whenever I speak out loud for class or a speech,  I feel the nerves boiling over, affecting my ability to trace my train of thought. And I still struggle with these feelings of shame and embarrassment.

There’s a self realization that if I calmed down I could remember more easily and then there’s a mental self abuse when I can’t calm down.

I wish I could get rid of the negative reinforcement in my head.