"You would have died."

I got a sudden, ungodly pain in my side one day in 2015. It was completely out of the blue. It took the ER 6 hours to find the cyst but then I was referred to a surgeon. He wanted to wait until after the holidays to remove my spleen (it was around December 12th at this point) but something in my gut told me that wasn't a good idea. I asked him to take it out sooner. About 5 days later they told me that the cyst was bigger than they originally thought and was the size of a softball.

Then after surgery, the surgeon came in and told me, "It's a good thing we took it out when we did. If that cyst had burst, you would have died." 

This happened only a few years ago, but it will stick with me until I'm gone. Always trust your gut.

"The Distraction"

My two friends and I all live in a dorm together. One day we were all hanging out and joking around like we usually do, and one of my friends suggested we should probably start our homework soon. 

My other friend replied, "Yeah, but I can't get any work done with the distraction in here." She looked at me and laughed, meaning it as a joke. 

I have severe ADHD, and do often get off topic and distracted. I understand why it's hard to concentrate with me in the room. But it only affirmed the message I have been getting my whole life: that while I may be fun to hang out with, I'm not useful when real work needs to get done. I'm not serious. I don't belong in an intellectual environment. I'm not smart. I don't work hard. I only distract people from the things that are actually important.

"I didn't know what to do with you..."

When I was 18, I moved a few states away from home to be with my boyfriend. Four years later, my dad was sick in the hospital. I flew home to be with him, and he passed away days later. 

I returned home to my boyfriend, and we started arguing about something stupid. He looked at me and said, "I was going to break up with you before your dad died, but then I didn't know what to do with you, so I just stayed."

I felt my heart break a second time, and have never felt such pain from someone I loved saying something so awful. 

We broke up soon after, and I have never been happier. 

But those words still echo in my mind when I think about my dad.

"They won't fit you anyway."

The summer before 8th grade was very difficult for me. I had started to notice that because of my size, people – boys in particular - treated me very different in comparison to girls who were thin. I spent that entire summer binging on saltines and carrots, which resulted in me making myself throw up.

By the time school resumed, I had lost about 50 pounds. My pant size dropped by 3 sizes and I felt absolutely AMAZING. l felt like I was finally a normal teenage girl.

One day my best friend and I were shopping and I found the cutest pair of shorts. They weren’t my size but I really liked the idea of using them as “goal” shorts. 

I gushed to my friend about how perfect they were. She grabbed them out of my hand and looked at the size and said, "Let me try these on. I bet they'll look really good on me, and they won't fit you anyway. They're too small."

Her words rung with condescension, and it was hurtful to hear her say something that I already knew but hoped nobody else thought. 

"It should've been you."

When I was 13, my mom died of AIDS in my arms.

When I went to console my crying aunt - even though I was torn apart myself - my aunt looked at me and said, "It should've been you." 

I will never forget how I felt. I will never forget those words.
 

"You suck at this disease."

When I was in high school I suffered from bulimia. I decided to make a PSA on YouTube explaining the dangers of bulimia so no one would suffer the way I did. 

One of the first comments I got was: "Clearly you suck at this disease because you're fat as fuck. You will never get married. You will never have children. Until you drop 30 pounds people will always be laughing behind your fat ass!" 

I deleted the video that same night, but the comments still stayed burned in my brain. 

Fast forward to a year later. I told my new boyfriend about my eating disorder and this was what he said to me: 

"Well, no offense, but do you plan on losing any more weight? Because I like my women skinny." 

Two days later, he raped me in my own house. I got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage. I starved myself to stay skinny for him only to find out he cheated on me with several other girls on campus. I stayed with him for almost five months because after reading that one YouTube comment, I wholeheartedly believed no one else would want to date my fat ass. I stayed with him for as long as I did because I knew I couldn't do any better. 

That was five years ago. For the most part, I'm recovered, and I'm dating someone I've been good friends with for the last few years. He treats me better than I've ever known and tells me I'm sexy every single day. Some days I have a hard time believing him, and some days I think I don't deserve his love because of how I look. And some days I still blame myself for publishing that video knowing how cruel people on the internet can be. 
 

"Men want to be taken care of..."

As far back as I can remember, I've wanted to get married. 

I got sick when I was 21, and have been in chronic pain every minute of every day in the ten years that have followed.

One day my dad said to me, "No man will ever love you. Men want to be taken care of, not to take care of you. You'd make a terrible wife."

I still think he's right.