"The reason you can't dive is because of your back fat"

The summer I turned 12 years old, I spent a lot of time at the local swimming pool. There was always something so calming about the water, whether it was the pool, the lake, the river. Playing in and being surrounded by water made me so comfortable. Being that comfortable was not a luxury I often had in my life, so I was especially thankful for these "retreats." 

I had been working on perfecting my dive for a week or two, trying hard to keep up with those who made it look so effortless. I was so proud of the progress I had been making.

Then a boy I had a mild crush on said to me "The reason you can't dive is because of your back fat," and he laughed.

I was crushed. I had never even realized I had back fat. But as I twisted around and examined my body in the mirror, I did have a slight roll on each side, below my bra line. 

I've had body image issues ever since, struggling with bouts of bulimia among other things.

To this day, when I look in the mirror as I dress, I am reminded of my imperfection, the cruel laughter at my expense.

I think of all the times over the past 15 years that I've silently agreed with him as I disapprovingly gazed at my flaws. And I'm kind of pissed about it, now as I end this story. How much of my self talk I've allowed to echo his voice since that day.

No more.