"I forgot you were a man-hater."

Even though I was raised with the idea that I could do anything, and my parents both encouraged me to be a feminist, they sometimes say things that reveal the limits of their progressive thinking. 

In the last few years, I have become more vocal about my differences, and they seem to equate disagreement with disrespect. Especially my father. When I have disagreed with him on certain topics, particularly relating to women, he gets kind of nasty and lashes out with hurtful comments.

Recently, I was visiting home with my significant other, whom my parents both adore. We were all coming home from a movie, when my dad brought up a male celebrity's alleged abuse of his wife, also a celebrity. My dad's take was that the woman was "crazy," and the man had been cleared of all accusations. Having followed this story since the news first broke, I disagreed with my father, stating some of the details that my father admitted he did not know, and while certain accusations had been proven untrue, others remained that indicated a violent history. My dad's response? 

"Oh that's right - I forgot you were a man-hater."

It wasn't the words that cut me; it was the tone. It was at once wholly dismissive and casual, yet vicious and angry. All over some f*cking actor he doesn't know much about.

He apologized, but only for the word choice, not for the meaning behind the words.

Those Kinds of Girls

When I was about 12 years old, I was going though a rebellious phase. This meant lots of Anne Sexton poetry, flannel shirts, and awkward, uncertain attempts at trying to establish my individuality. 

One day I was at the mall with my mom, and there was a gaggle of cute, perfect cheerleader types near us. I regarded them disparagingly and said something along the lines of "Ugh, I just don't understand those kinds of girls."

Without missing a beat, my mom looked up at me and said, "Well, those are the kinds of girls that guys marry."

"I can't imagine why!"

I had a baby when I was very young, and I tried to raise him. When he was four years old, I let my parents adopt him so that I could grow up. I ultimately thought that this was a good idea, because if I couldn't even take care of myself, how could I take care of a baby? 

I moved to Florida and my son stayed with my parents. About two years ago, I was planning to visit them. I was on the phone to my mom, and she said, "Oh, he's so excited to see you! Although I can't imagine why!" Then she followed up with, "Oh, I'm just kidding!" 

Our relationship hasn't really been the same since, and my mom and I don't really talk anymore. 
 

Whore

One day when I was 20, I was driving to hospice with my parents to visit my aunt, who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I had my headphones in, but I had paused the music, and I overheard my parents talking about one day having grandkids.

My dad said to my mom, "I hope my granddaughter doesn't turn out to be a f*cking whore like her mom." 

I've always tried to forget this, but I can't seem to.

Disappointed.

My mother once told me that my father who is deceased would be disappointed in the person I've become, because I am transgender.

"You have too many problems."

When I was about 12, my mom and I were driving to a school event, and I told her I was scared and nervous.

I will never forget her turning around and saying, "You have too many problems. You're always complaining or crying. It would have been easier to have had another boy than you." 

At that time I had bad depression and anxiety that she did not know about, and that still makes me upset to this day.

"It should've been you."

When I was 13, my mom died of AIDS in my arms.

When I went to console my crying aunt - even though I was torn apart myself - my aunt looked at me and said, "It should've been you." 

I will never forget how I felt. I will never forget those words.
 

"She's a fat ass and needs to get off the couch."

When I was 15, I overheard my mom talking to my stepdad about me. She said,  "She's a fat ass and needs to get off the couch." 

I'm 19 now, and have lost almost 100 pounds. But her words still hurt. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I never feel like I'm skinny enough.
 

Doomed to Hell

My mom once told me that before I was born, my paternal aunt wrote her a letter saying that because I was conceived out of wedlock, I was not loved by Jesus and "would ultimately be doomed to hell."

I don't actually believe in heaven or hell, but it's still not very comforting to find out that one of my close family members feels this way about me.

I wish my mom had kept this story to herself. 
 

"Good, bad, or indifferent, however you feel about them is alright."

Neither of my parents were in my life. I was raised by my maternal grandmother.

One day, when I was about 7 or 8, I remember coming to her asking why my dad and mom didn't want me. As I started to cry, my grandmother held me and said, "Honey! Honey. Listen to me. Your father and mother are the ones missing out. And they will regret it because you are an intelligent, beautiful, sweet girl who will grow into an amazing young woman. And when they do start wanting to come around and try to make amends? Good, bad, or indifferent, however you feel about them is alright. Don't let me, your aunt, your uncle, cousins, your godparents, your mother, your father, or whoever tell you how to feel."

Years later, what she said did come true. My father has apologized numerous times for not being there and so has my mother. But I'm in my prime, I'm in my 20s. And sometimes they get upset when I don't call them or talk to them as much like I do my grandmother, aunt, cousins, etc. 

But I just ignore both of them because I remember what my grandmother said all those years ago. 

"Good, bad, or indifferent, however you feel about them is alright."