Those Kinds of Girls

When I was about 12 years old, I was going though a rebellious phase. This meant lots of Anne Sexton poetry, flannel shirts, and awkward, uncertain attempts at trying to establish my individuality. 

One day I was at the mall with my mom, and there was a gaggle of cute, perfect cheerleader types near us. I regarded them disparagingly and said something along the lines of "Ugh, I just don't understand those kinds of girls."

Without missing a beat, my mom looked up at me and said, "Well, those are the kinds of girls that guys marry."

"They won't fit you anyway."

The summer before 8th grade was very difficult for me. I had started to notice that because of my size, people – boys in particular - treated me very different in comparison to girls who were thin. I spent that entire summer binging on saltines and carrots, which resulted in me making myself throw up.

By the time school resumed, I had lost about 50 pounds. My pant size dropped by 3 sizes and I felt absolutely AMAZING. l felt like I was finally a normal teenage girl.

One day my best friend and I were shopping and I found the cutest pair of shorts. They weren’t my size but I really liked the idea of using them as “goal” shorts. 

I gushed to my friend about how perfect they were. She grabbed them out of my hand and looked at the size and said, "Let me try these on. I bet they'll look really good on me, and they won't fit you anyway. They're too small."

Her words rung with condescension, and it was hurtful to hear her say something that I already knew but hoped nobody else thought. 

"The Jungle's back!"

I'm of East Indian/West Indian heritage, and growing up in Canada, I had more body hair than other girls in my class. I was often teased about it and was called hairy, gorilla, nasty and more. I was miserable because I was in middle school and my mother wouldn't let me shave. 

In seventh grade, my family went away for Christmas and my parents decided to extend our vacation by a week. The day I returned to school, I was the first one in homeroom, and was surprised that the few classmates who came in after welcomed me back. One guy came in, smiled brightly and said "Good to have you back!" Seriously, I started doubting my sanity and wondering if I had misjudged everyone all along. 

Then I heard the same kid out in the hallway by the lockers say, "Hey everyone! Guess what? The Jungle's back!" Everyone laughed like crazy as usual. 

I'm now 37 and have married and had kids. But the scars have lasted a lifetime and I still feel ugly and hairy and disgusted with myself, even though I shave and wax. I feel uncomfortable and gross inside my own body. I am withering inside. I know I should just get over it already, but I can't.

"You have too many problems."

When I was about 12, my mom and I were driving to a school event, and I told her I was scared and nervous.

I will never forget her turning around and saying, "You have too many problems. You're always complaining or crying. It would have been easier to have had another boy than you." 

At that time I had bad depression and anxiety that she did not know about, and that still makes me upset to this day.

"It should've been you."

When I was 13, my mom died of AIDS in my arms.

When I went to console my crying aunt - even though I was torn apart myself - my aunt looked at me and said, "It should've been you." 

I will never forget how I felt. I will never forget those words.
 

Destroyed

From an early age, I've struggled with self harm and mutilation.

One day when I was swimming, I ran into a guy who I hadn't seen in ten years. The last time he saw me, I wore shorts a lot. I had not started mutilating and my legs were "normal." 

When I ran into him, I was wearing a bathing suit, which revealed that my legs now have more scars than skin. 

He looked at me and said, "You've fucking destroyed yourself." 

I will never forget that sentence for as long as I live.
 

"You're not going to get anywhere in life."

All my life, I knew that I didn't have the same religious beliefs my family had, but they never made it an issue.

Then one day in history class we were talking about different religions. When it came time to talk about atheism, I spoke up and shared my experience. 

My teacher got mad and told me, "If you don't believe in God, you're not going to get anywhere in life." 

It really hurt. I left school and stayed home for the rest of the week. 

"...piece in the backseat."

I was talking to this guy online for a few months. He always listened to what I had to say and let me vent, and he always responded when I messaged him. I told him about my love life and about school, and I sent him pictures of myself (nothing graphic).

Then one day we got into an argument, and he completely turned on me. He used everything I had shared with him against me. He twisted my own words around and used them to hurt me. He said: 

"You think because you are overweight you are worthless, so you will sleep with anything, male or female, and think it's cool. But no one will ever bring you home to meet mom and dad. You will always just be some piece in the backseat."

This was four or five years ago, but I still remember word for word what he said. I memorized it. 

"Perfect."

When I was thirteen, I was raped, and both of my breasts were severely mutilated. I had to have a partial mastectomy because of it. 

Eleven years later, my husband saw me in the nude for the first time on our wedding night. I had never told him of the trauma I endured for fear that he might not want me anymore. 

His reaction was the opposite of what I expected. 

He kissed every scar with tenderness I didn't even know existed, and he said to me, "These scars only give your stretch marks something to gossip about. Your breasts are perfect." 

That was the moment I truly fell in love with him. 

"She's a fat ass and needs to get off the couch."

When I was 15, I overheard my mom talking to my stepdad about me. She said,  "She's a fat ass and needs to get off the couch." 

I'm 19 now, and have lost almost 100 pounds. But her words still hurt. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I never feel like I'm skinny enough.