"Despite your circumstances..."

I went into foster care when I was 16. I made the choice to do it, not wanting to go back to my abusive father after being taken from my drug addict mother. 

I had switched schools twice that year and got diagnosed with depression and bipolar. I felt depressed most days because of my parents, being at a new school, etc. 

But I had one amazing teacher who was always commending me on my schoolwork. I remember one thing in particular he said to me: "Despite the classes you're taking, and despite your circumstances, you're still managing to kick ASS in my class." 

That comment still makes me smile to this day. 

He ended up writing me a letter of recommendation for college and calling me over the summer to see how I was doing. This was back in 2010 and a thank you letter to him is long overdue. 

There were lots of horrible things that my parents said during my time in foster care which stuck with me too, but I wanted to share something that actually made me feel good about myself.

"I'm going to make sure my grandbaby isn't going to hell."

I started dating my now-fiancé when I was 16, and his mother hated me from the start. She has said many hurtful things over the years, but one in particular sticks with me. We were barbecuing at my fiancé's house, and he went inside to help his dad, leaving me alone outside with his mom.

Ever since I told her that I'm agnostic, she's always gone on about how I'm going to hell. But that night she brought up children and baptism. I told her that I would not be baptizing my child because I believe it's a choice to be left up to them. 

She put her hand on mine and said, "You won't be there, but I'm going to make sure my grandbaby isn't going to hell, too." 

I never told my fiancé what his mother said, but it makes me scared to have children.

"You should kill yourself..."

I was in a four-year relationship in which I was constantly hiding my emotions and bottling up everything that was bothering me. 

One day I woke up, and something clicked. I was so angry at him. I don't think I've ever been as angry as I was at that moment. 

I finally stood up for myself.

But it didn't make me feel better. I remember feeling so sad, so guilty. I remember my phone vibrating and reluctantly opening his message. 

"You should kill yourself, you abusive scum."

I think about that a lot. I have moved on, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forget his words.
 
I ended the relationship and found a very nice companion. It's so funny to me how a one-year relationship can be 100 times better than a relationship that lasted four years. 
 

"You don't want to touch her..."

When I was 16, I was molested by a guy I had known for years, and he gave me an incurable STD.

One night, after this had occurred, I went out with my sister and a guy she was dating. 

Somehow the topic of threesomes came up, and I noticed my sister texting her date: "You don't want to touch her because she's dirty."

To this day, I can't bring myself to tell my sister that what she said killed me a little inside. 
 

"You were such a difficult child."

When I was very young, my mother married a man who turned out to be sadistic and abusive in many ways. A few years later, my mother left me with my biological father because I told someone what was happening.

For years, I carried anger and resentment over all of this and hoped that one day I would get the apology I felt I deserved. 

One night when I was an adult, during a lengthy conversation with my mother over all the abuses I went through and how I felt abandoned and betrayed, she said, "I'm sorry that's how you felt. But you were such a difficult child." 

This was devastating to say the least. 

The realization that my own mother felt I deserved what I went through because I was "such a difficult child," and that the genuine apology I wanted so deeply was never going to come, broke my heart. 

Our relationship is much better these days, but I can't tell you how often those words play in the back of my mind. 

"You were such a difficult child."

"When did you become a kicked dog?"

It had gotten late, the family party becoming more rowdy, so I grabbed my sleeping toddler, and my nearly sleeping child. I packed up our stuff, then made my way over to my husband. 

"Kids and I are ready to go whenever you are, babe." 

"We'll go when I'm ready," my husband snapped. He must have seen my disappointment, and he grabbed me for a hug and kissed me, just a peck. 

I turned to see my father behind us, shaking his head. "When did you become a kicked dog?" He asked. "Struck, then crawling back for the smallest ounce of affection."

Since then, every argument, every time I give just to not fight anymore, I see her. The kicked dog standing in the corner, waiting for the kindness that follows.

Gay Lunchbox Brigade

The week before 7th grade, my family and I went back to school shopping. I found this awesome lunchbox with monarch butterflies on the front, and I was so excited to bring it to school. 

Flash forward to the first day of school, lunch period.

As walked to the cafeteria, the most popular girl in school walked by, and sneered at me, saying, "What are you, in the gay lunchbox brigade?"

I went home and begged my mom to get me a plain, black, boring lunchbox. When she said no, I carried my butterfly lunchbox for rest of the school year.

"Maybe I'll just kill myself!"

My family got into a huge fight several weeks back. My mom screamed, "Maybe I'll just kill myself!"

Later that evening, she called me to apologize. She told me she got upset and didn't know how to express herself clearly.

A few nights ago, I lay awake at 2AM, holding my 9 month old daughter close while I cried, just hearing my mom's voice over and over in my head.

Bulldog Face

I gained a lot of weight with my pregnancy, so much that my brother in law made a joke that I had jowls like a bulldog.

"Do you eat one of those EVERY DAY?"

I'd had a bad morning, so I decided to treat myself to a Little Debbie brownie. I don't do this often (I really don't). I was running late, so I took it to school to eat it there. As soon as I opened the wrapper, one of my friends (or so I thought) asked, "Do you eat one of those EVERY DAY?" with a look of disgust. 

I said, "No, only rarely." Then my friend changed the subject and continued talking to another friend. 

You have no idea how awful, fat, and humiliated that made me feel. I still think about it, and I'll probably never forget it. Thanks for that.