"Nobody will ever want you or love you."

/

I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. I started using food to cope, and I ended up gaining about 50 pounds, which only made my depression worse. 

One day, my sister texted me after she'd recently moved out. She knew how I felt about my weight, but she wrote this anyway: "You're a fat piece of shit and nobody will ever want you or love you." 

To this day, I can't get over those words, and I'm not sure I ever will. I have a crush, and every time I think about talking to him or just saying hello, I remember those words and I shut down completely. Anytime I wonder if I'll find love, I think about what my sister said. 
 

"You can't leave me alone."

/

I moved in with my dad when I was 15, but I still felt like my mom and little brother were my responsibility, and that I let them down by leaving to live with my dad.

I told my dad that I wanted to go back to my mom's, and he said things like, "You're being selfish," "You can't leave me alone," "I know you have a better heart than that; you're not like your mom," or "You're two-faced as f**k." 

He would get mad at me if I ever told my mom about my worries or anger towards him, and he would then say nasty comments until I was a crying mess. Then he would send me to school while he would stay home and complain about me to our downstairs neighbors. 

I still can't get over feeling like I've betrayed both of my parents. I still feel responsible for my parents and little brother. I can't help feeling like I'm trapped in a corner.
 

Stomach Ache

/

When I was in 3rd grade, I walked in on my mom purging, and she told me, "I have a stomach ache, and I have to get everything out to feel better." 

From that moment on, I started purging whenever I had a stomach ache. For years. 

It took me until I was 25 and finally on the proper medication to realize that I've had an eating disorder my whole life, and it all started when my mother told me a story instead of telling me the truth about her problem.

"See, I knew how beautiful you were."

/

My father's best friend once said this about me, to my father:

"She's so beautiful and has such a pretty face. It's a shame she can't lose weight." 

I know this because my father then told me. 

A few years later, after I'd lost some weight, I ran into my father's best friend and he said, "See, I knew how beautiful you were." 

This made me feel terrible, because I felt like I'd only ever be good enough thin.

This was 20 years ago. To this day, I still feel the same way. No matter how beautiful a person I am or how good my heart is or even how pretty my face is, if my body isn't thin, I'm not good enough.

"It's impossible for you to make good decisions."

/

When I was about eleven, my mother took me to visit her parents. They were emotionally and verbally abusive when she was growing up, and she still constantly seeks their approval. She wanted to show off her golden child so that her parents would have an opportunity to find something good in her.

We ended up in a discussion where my grandfather told me, "It's impossible for you to make good decisions because your brain isn't fully developed. You'll be making bad decisions until your mid-twenties." He added that I would probably be pregnant a few times and that I would borrow (and owe) him money between then and brain maturity time.

He was wrong, but I still remember him saying that.

"You're f*cking disgusting."

/

One day on my way to school when I was eight years old, I was cornered by a very large 6th grader and his friends. He pushed me up against a brick wall, lifted my shirt, and squeezed my chubby stomach and little fleshy "man boobs." 

He said, "You're so fat. You're f*ckin' disgusting."

As my shirt dropped and the tears started, he wiped his hands on the front of my shirt. 

What stuck with me wasn't necessarily what he said; it was the look he gave when he wiped his hands on my shirt, and the laughs of his friends. 

The absolute humiliation I felt and the sudden awareness that I was "fat and disgusting" is something that has haunted my up until this day. I became a closet, compulsive eater and had bulimic tendencies. I topped out in 2007 at over 520 pounds. 

And even to this day, after a 300+ pound weight loss, I still hear his voice and see his face. Even though I have some recovery under my belt now, I still can't talk to people because I still think I'm disgusting, and don't want to burden them.
 

"Nobody cares."

/

When I was in first grade, there was a girl who liked to tease me in a rather simple but hurtful way. I was a very talkative child, but every time I said something, she said to me, "Nobody cares." 

Eventually I stopped being talkative and became a quiet child. Now I am a quiet 20 year old struggling to talk to people, with barely any friends.

To top this all, my parents say I'm a very boring person. They don't believe in mental illnesses or disorders that I could have, so they just tell me to get over myself.

I just honestly think that nobody cares.

"All that sugar is making you fat."

/

I've been addicted to coffee since I was 15, and I drink it all the time. One time when I was out with my father, I put sugar in my coffee, and he looked at me and said, "All that sugar is making you fat."

He has made several offhanded comments about my weight in the past (although the doctor says I'm healthy for someone my height and age), but this is the comment that stuck with me. 

I completely stopped drinking coffee for a while. Now I drink it straight up black because I have a fear of gaining weight.
 

Sumo

/

When I was in first or second grade, an older kid had one of those sumo wrestler costumes that blows up and becomes gigantic. I said that dressing up in one of them would be really fun. This kid turned to me and said, "You don't need that costume because you're fat enough already," and proceeded to call me Sumo for weeks. 

Years later, I'm definitely not as big as I used to be, but I'm still the biggest of all my friends. No matter how much people tell me "You look good!" or "You lost weight," I'll never ever be confident in my body. And every time I think about my weight, I always think about this moment.