Ugly Cow

I was always very self confident. Up through my childhood and teenage years, I never really worried about my body. I loved myself, and I never quite understood those that didn't.

My best friend asked me to be her maid of honor during my freshman year of college. I said yes, and when the wedding weekend arrived, I was so excited I could barely contain myself. 

It wasn't the fun weekend I had anticipated though, because my friend started screaming and throwing tantrums about every little detail. I started to get frustrated, but I tried to be patient. I kept telling myself that getting married is an emotional time, and as soon as ceremony was over, she would be fine.

The time came for everyone to get dressed. I will never forget her yelling at me, "God, can you put some spandex on or something? That dress makes you look so freaking chubby. And put some concealer on your arms, and maybe some more on your face. It's bad. This is MY wedding and I don't want to look back and have an ugly cow in my pictures!"

I haven't talked to her since that day, and even though its been years, I still struggle with an eating disorder and constant self doubt. I loved her, and she was my best friend. I can't help but think maybe what she told me was right. Maybe I am just an ugly cow.
 

"It wouldn't hurt if you lost a little weight."

When I was a freshman in high school, I dated a boy on the football team. I never really cared about my weight or the way I looked until one day he told me, "It wouldn't hurt if you lost a little weight." 

I lost 40lbs that year, and I still struggle with my weight to this day, as a senior in high school. 

My new boyfriend tries to tell me I'm beautiful the way I am. I want to believe him, but I can't ever see myself as beautiful.
 

"It's not your fault."

It was a few days after my 16th birthday, and I had some birthday money. My mom took me to the mall to get some clothes that I needed, and we stopped at a makeup store to get my acne face wash. After seeing how much it was, I decided that I wasn't in dire need, and that I didn't want to spend the remainder of my money on it.

My mom has had an ongoing addiction to narcotics, and I considered this day to be one of her good days. But something in her changed when I said I didn't want to buy the face wash. She grabbed my hand and forced me out of the store, yelling at me and telling me how ungrateful I was. I told her I wasn't being ungrateful, and she hit me hard in front of everyone. I was left alone, a crumpled mess of embarrassment, while she stormed off.

She yelled that she was going to get the car, so I waited. It took her over a half an hour, so I thought she forgot about me. It turned out, she was so mad and messed up from the narcotics that she ran her car into someone else's car. When I got in the car, she told me that it was my fault that she was so mad and that she hit someone's car.

I called my dad, broken. I didn't know what to say. 

The one thing I will never forget is my dad telling me, "It's not your fault. It was never your fault." 

And to this day, I still believe him. It's never your fault.
 

"Those shorts are too short."

When I was 9, I was in a Dollar Tree with my mother. She left me alone in the makeup section to browse. Behind me there was a couple in their late 20s. I was minding my own business, when out of nowhere my mother pulled me away and said, "That man was staring at your ass."

This was the very first time that anything like this had ever happened to me, and I thought it was gross. 

However, what got me more upset was when my mom said, "You shouldn't wear shorts that short anymore." 

Victim blaming much, mom? My skin exposure shouldn't be an excuse for anyone to ogle at me. 

To this day, I am sometimes still ashamed to show too much skin, because no matter what I chose to do with my body, I remember that someone will see it as an invite to do what they please.  Whenever I wear shorts, those words ring in my head. 

I will never slut shame my future daughter, and even more importantly, my son will learn how to act politely and respectfully to women.
 

"You're going to be a failure."

One time my mom took my sister and me to the beach, and she dropped us off while she went to look for parking. Once she had found a parking spot, she texted me to meet her and lead her to the spot where we were sitting. Since it was a particularly crowded day, I had some trouble finding the spot where we'd set up. 

It wasn't long before she started exploding at me, calling me retarded for not being able to find where we were sitting. Even after I started crying, she continued to insult me. The worst thing she said was, "You'll never make it in college because you can't even do the simplest of tasks. You're going to be a failure." 

She never once apologized for how she treated me. 

Now that I'm a freshman in college, I suffer from depression and anxiety because of fear of failing or messing up anything I do. 

Class Party

I didn't take French class, but I used to talk to the French teacher at my school because we both were French. When couple of kids told me that the teacher invited me to a French class party before winter break, I followed them to the classroom and began grabbing food from the buffet.

I went up to thank the teacher for inviting me to the party, but she just gave me one of the dirtiest looks ever and said, "Take your plate and leave the classroom."
 
It turns out she never invited me, and that a bunch of kids decided to pull a prank on me. I never talked to the teacher again.

And that's what stuck with me, even 12 years later.
 

Dunce Voice

I was never the best at math, and I didn't quite have a loving home environment (I still don't). 

On day, I brought home an "F" from math class. I already felt low about it; who feels good about failing? My parents (predictably) got upset, but what really stuck with me was my father mocking me. He followed me around the house, into my room, saying in a "dunce" voice, "Duuuuhhh. I'm (my name), I'm smart enough to get Fs. Duuuuuuuuhhh." 

I had already been in tears, but that pushed me over. 

Sadly, that wasn't the first time that my father verbally abused me, and it still happens to this day. But that time really stuck, and it still pierces my heart.
 

"You definitely look sick."

A few years ago I developed a crush on this guy in my acting class. I never cared about how I looked in class before the crush, but one day I decided to wear makeup and dress up a little. It was early summer, and I guess the foundation shade I'd had all year was now a little lighter than my newly tanned skin tone. 

I got to class with my makeup on and I mentioned that I was feeling tired that day. My crush looked at my face and said, "Yeah, you definitely look sick. You're paler than usual."

He absolutely wasn't trying to be mean. It just made me sad.

"You're not dainty enough."

I was preparing to do a skit with some friends, and when I told them which part I wanted to play, the girl who I looked up to the most said, "You can't, because you're not dainty enough." 

She didn't mean for it to sound mean, but her comment has stuck with me, and I can barely eat more than a sandwich anymore.

"It's such a funny image..."

In seventh grade, my four best friends and I were decorating my friend's Christmas tree. At one point we were all keeling on the couch, leaning against the back of it, looking at the tree, while my friend decorated it. 

Then she switched her glance from the tree to us, and laughed and said to me, "It's such a funny image to see everyone with normal butts, and then you with absolutely no butt!"

Everyone laughed, and I did too, but I felt mortified and horrible. I wasn't even aware at that point that I had no butt, or that having no butt was such a funny sight. 

After her comment, I ordered padded underwear off the internet. Now as an adult, I no longer wear the padded underwear, but I am still very much aware of my butt at all times.