When I turned twelve years old, I overheard our our 45-year-old neighbor say to my dad, "I can't wait until she turns sixteen so I can fuck the shit out of her."
My neighbor didn't know that I heard him.
And my dad didn't know that I saw him punch our neighbor in the face.
When I was in high school I struggled with my sexuality. I never dated, never 'experimented.' My freshman year a female friend of mine asked me out, but I declined because I didn't have feelings like that for her. She said okay, and we continued to be friends.
Before the end of the year she sexually assaulted me, at the school, when nobody was around. When I tried to tell people, they dismissed me and said that I was lying because she wasn't attractive and I was ashamed. And many people said, "Boys can't be sexually assaulted by girls."
Years later I moved across the country and began to move past the trauma of being assaulted. A girl who was acquainted with my roommate came to our apartment and told me that she thought I was attractive. I removed myself from the situation and went to bed, the reminder of what happened last time made me sick.
Then she forced herself into my bed and I was sexually assaulted again. She said I couldn't tell anyone because they wouldn't believe me anyway.
That will never leave me.
And even now that I am in a happy, loving relationship I still get a spike of fear when someone reveals that they find me attractive.
After I lost my virginity, I contracted my first UTI. I had no idea what was wrong. Being raised Christian, I was convinced God was punishing me for having premarital sex.
I went to my mother in the middle of the night on my hands and knees, crying in pain and fear.
She forced me to pray while reading the Bible and asking God for forgiveness for two hours, while I was still in pain, before taking me to the hospital.
My mother is a nurse.
When I moved back home, I worked at a restaurant with this guy whom I had previously known and always thought was really handsome. I was excited to be working with him and getting to know him. I couldn't wait to go to work and see him and spend time with him every day .
I'm pretty sure it was obvious how much I liked him, because one night he brought me home and we got together. At first I was hesitant because I was afraid of getting hurt, but I liked him so much, and he was really nice to me, so I took a chance.
We saw each other for about a month, until he got promoted. It was shortly after Christmas, and I remember getting him a present and everything. I couldn't wait to give it to him.
I walked out onto the porch and overheard him saying, "She gives a really good blow job, but I would never date her because her family is crazy and she's not attractive enough for me."
I walked away.
We never saw each other outside of work again.
I've been sensitive and insecure for as long as I can remember. But I didn't know how sensitive and insecure I was until someone pointed out a flaw I didn't know I had.
I was what they would call a "church girl." I went to as many church functions as possible and I absolutely loved my church family. I also had one simple promise I made to myself that meant a lot to me. I was going to stay a virgin until the night of my wedding.
I had no idea that over half of the world did not share the same thing with me. I thought it was so common to be a virgin.
Until one day it started to be something that was used as an insult against me. I got called things like "Virgin Mary," "prude," "chastity belt".
Being a virgin was no longer something to be proud of. It was just another thing for me to hate about myself.
When I was in college, my friend was struggling with coming out as bi. I wasn’t understanding the struggle, nor did I understand the coming out process. Our mutual friend accused me of not being supportive of our friend and told me I was insensitive, and that I’d never understand how difficult it was.
A few months later, I came out as gay, and the mutual friend’s voice played over and over in my head, telling me how difficult it was to come out. It made me feel like the sudden peace and understanding of who I was was somehow wrong. I felt like I was doing something wrong and I should have been struggling so much more. To this day, I still wonder if I should have struggled more.
Has anyone ever made a fleeting comment about you that immediately became tattooed onto the front of your brain for all of eternity, impacting your self-perception and self-worth? Whether it was an offhand comment made by someone you love and respect or a fleeting declaration by someone you barely know, we share the moments that stick.
