My mother's ex-husband was an alcoholic. His drink of choice was Captain Morgan mixed with Mountain Dew. I would smell it on him when he came home, I would smell it on him when he screamed at me, and I would smell it on him when he beat me. He would tell me how fat and useless and stupid I was, and I could smell it on his breath.
To this day, I have trouble accepting compliments, and I can't stand the smell of Captain Morgan.
I recently started coming out as asexual to my family and close friends. It's something I'm still figuring out myself, and am trying not to be insecure about. It's hard when people close to me make comments like this:
"You just haven't had enough experience with relationships yet. Once you've had a good relationship this should change. If it doesn't, you should get your hormones checked. You might want to get counseling to see if trauma caused this." - My mother
"Well, I don't think you really have enough experience to know for sure." - My best friend
"You probably haven't found the right person yet. You just have to wait." - My cousin
But some friends never fail to bring me up, reassure me, and are supportive of my identity <3
"Your sexuality is valid, and anyone who disagrees is trash." - My ace friend
When I was 12, I had to go swim suit shopping with my mother for a one piece to wear to my cousin's church camp. After picking an orange swim suit to represent our group's color, she pointed and the clear plastic mannequin the swim suit was on and laughed, "Oh look, even the mannequin has bigger boobs than you do!"
Once when I was in middle school, I was joking around with my dad and we were just having a grand ole time. Then I tried to climb on him, but he wouldn't let me. He said, "You're too fat to be doing this."
I immediately stopped and ran and locked myself in my room and just cried and cried. I could hear my mom yelling at him for being such a dick.
To this day I'm still conscious about my weight because of him, even though I'm a 130 lbs and 5'7" college girl.
My father struggled with depression for years, and used antidepressants for 14 years. One day, four years ago, he decided he didn't need to use them anymore, so he stopped taking them cold turkey. Immediately we noticed a change in his personality. He was mean, rude, and just all-in-all out of character.
A few weeks went by, and he got worse and worse. One night was just over the top. He picked a fight with my brother, my sister, my mom, and me. We all fought back, saying hurtful things back and forth. My father left the room and went into his bedroom.
He soon came back out, and with no expression on his face, and no light in his eyes, looked at every single person and said, "Remember what you said."
After he said that, he barricaded himself in his room, where he had a gun. He killed himself soon after.
Ever since I was little, I dreamed of going to college. Learning and knowledge have always intrigued me, and my parents never went to college. I was determined to be the first in our family.
I spent the entire summer of my junior year applying for scholarships and to universities all over the US. I received a letter back from my first choice college, saying that I had been accepted!!
I ran inside to tell my family. When I told my father the good news, he said, "It's not a hard college to get into."
My heart shattered. I had worked so hard to get into my first pick, and when I did, he wasn't even phased. That's the moment that really stuck with me.
"You talk too much. No one cares." - My aunt, when I was 8.
"Who sings this? How about you leave it to them?" - My father, when I was 11.
"Your hair doesn't matter. No one is going to be looking at it with those thunder thighs in the picture. You'd be pretty if you'd just stop eating." - Also my dad, when I was 13.
"No one will ever be as amazing as you are." - My husband, frequently.
When I turned twelve years old, I overheard our our 45-year-old neighbor say to my dad, "I can't wait until she turns sixteen so I can fuck the shit out of her."
My neighbor didn't know that I heard him.
And my dad didn't know that I saw him punch our neighbor in the face.
I had a huge crush on a guy in 8th grade, and was devastated when he started going out with this girl I hated.
I came home crying about it, and my mom just said, "Did you really think he would have picked you over her?"
She said this because he was white, I was black, and the other girl was white. It was like I never had a chance because of that.
To this day, I still have doubts about myself when I find a white guy attractive.
The first time I ever wore makeup was when I used my mom's foundation in middle school.
When I walked into class, one of the other girls pointed at me and said, "It looks like you have a spray tan, but only on your face!"
Now I'm a cosmetologist.
Has anyone ever made a fleeting comment about you that immediately became tattooed onto the front of your brain for all of eternity, impacting your self-perception and self-worth? Whether it was an offhand comment made by someone you love and respect or a fleeting declaration by someone you barely know, we share the moments that stick.
