"...for what?"

/

Day 2 of motherhood. More visitors come and go. More smiles, hugs and kisses. More well wishes, but still no father. I call, text and call again. Then finally, he answers. 

Me: "Hey." 
Him: "Sup." 
Me: "He's here!" 
Him: "Oh." 
Me: "Are you coming to visit? I'm only here until tomorrow morning."
Him: *silence* "Visit...for what?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Him: "Let me call you back." *click*

I can not articulate the hurt and devastation I felt pulling the phone away from my ear. What was suppose to be one of the most exhilarating experiences in my life (having a child) turned out to be the most devastating. 

To this day, I am afraid to have another child because of the two nights I spent alone in my hospital bed. The two nights I cried. The conversation that pierced the depths of my soul. I never again want to feel that pain.
 

"You look like a boy from behind."

/

When I was 11 years old, I hit puberty. I got taller and thinner overnight. I developed faster than the other girls, and they all made fun of me for it. 

I came home crying about it to my parents and they told me to laugh it off. 

Over the next few months I became even thinner. I was a stick. 

My stepmom and my dad told me, "You look like a boy from behind," because of my lack of curves. They continued telling me this for years. 

I'm 19 now and I still think about my "lack of curves" and how I "look like a boy from behind." 

I cant shake that.
 

"Your own mother doesn't want to be your mother!"

/

When I was twelve, my dad and my mom split up because my mom had a serious drug and alcohol problem. I lived with my dad, who eventually got a new girlfriend. 

Of course having her as the new mom-like figure in my life, and me being an immature teenager, I always told her that she wasn't my mom and shouldn't act like it. It always made her furious, which I enjoyed. 

But I'll never forget the last time I said that to her. We were arguing outside of my brother's school in her van, waiting for him to come out. Full on screaming and pulling each other's hair. 

When I said it, she replied with, "I know I'm not your mother! I don't want to be your mother! Your own mother doesn't want to be your mother!" 

I let go and sobbed into a big ball. 

She felt terrible, but I'll never forget how her words made me feel. 

I knew my mom wasn't around, and I had always blamed myself for that for absolutely no reason. But now my dad's girlfriend was giving that fear a voice that would always play in my head from then on. 

"You are by far the most loving person I know. You're also the most gullible."

/

When I was 18, I was in a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship. He moved into my apartment, took over my life, got me pregnant, then left.

I moved back home with my parents and went back to school. I got an awesome job, and my son and I moved out on our own. We were doing fairly well. 

Then when I was 22, I got pregnant again. My boyfriend said, "Get an abortion and I'll stay. Keep it and I'm gone." 

I was crushed. I didn't get an abortion with my first child back when my life was a wreck, so why would I do it now? So he moved literally across the country. And I was, yet again, left pregnant and alone.

After I had my second son, the boys and I met with my best friend for lunch. I was having a rather emotional day and I started to cry. I said to him, "When I love, I love with every ounce of my being, so why do I only find these guys who play me like a puppet?"

He reached across the table, patted my eyes, grabbed my hand, smiled at my four-year-old, looked at my newborn, and said in a soft, sweet voice, "Sweetheart, for as long as I've known you, you are by far the most loving person I know. You're also the most gullible. Anyone can tell you they love you, and you will believe it every single time."

Since that day, I haven't been able to believe anyone who says they love me. Not even him. 

Now he says I need to loosen up and try dating again. No thanks! I've learned my lesson, and the boys and I couldn't be happier on our own.