"I know you're just confused."

For a very long time, I identified as a lesbian. When I began dating my current boyfriend, however, I came out as bisexual to my closest friends and my family. 

My best friend told me, "I'll always think of you as a lesbian," and, "I know you're just confused. Don't worry; I know you're gay. You two will break up because you aren't straight." 

She also told me that if I wasn't a lesbian, she couldn't be my friend anymore. She told me I lied about my identity so I could "invade" LGBT spaces. 

It hurt hearing that from someone I was so close to. It's caused intense feelings of self doubt and self hatred. Even now, two years later, I think about what she said, and I suffer from some pretty intense internalized biphobia. She was my best friend; she knew me better than anyone. 

I still question my relationship and how I feel about my boyfriend of two years. I question whether or not the feelings I have for him are real. I will probably spend the rest of my life being afraid to openly admit I am a bisexual woman. I don't know where I belong. 
 

"No one will find that attractive."

My style has always been a bit alternative. Even after having my daughter at 18, I kept my look. Pink and black hair, a tattoo (planned to get more), piercings (also planning for more), the works. I had a dream of becoming an alternative model, which I thought was the epitome of beautiful. When I was 19, I had a set plan. I was going to polish myself up a bit and send in some shots. 

My husband at the time told me I was crazy, and that, "No one's going to want to look at your half naked, post baby body. No one will find that attractive. I find it attractive because I love you." 

That hurt me so bad, I cried myself to sleep that night. 

I eventually divorced that ass, and now, eight years later, I've never been happier.
 

"I need you to get away from me."

"You're a cynical, negative person. I love you, but I need you to get away from me."

Four years together. Done with the press of a button. 

I've never forgotten, or gotten over, those words. I never saw or heard from her after she spoke them. I guess I only have myself to blame, but I spend every waking moment just wishing she'd have been more patient, just wishing she could have seen me change. 

Her leaving put me in more of a sour mood since then. Just wishing I wouldn't have to get up every morning, or fall asleep at night, since all I ever did was stare up at the ceiling until I forgot what it ever was to smile at the sky. 

I loved her so much, I forgot what hating myself ever felt like. 

Now it's all I can remember.
 

"You're not the same."

My daughter was born premature. Extremely premature. She weighed 1lb, 3oz, and was not supposed to survive. On top of that, I almost didn't survive either. I was hospitalized for months, I had an emergency C section, and I faced losing my daughter every day after that for months until she was stable enough.

And I went through it all without a comforting hand beside me. 

Throughout it all, I was being abused by my (now ex) husband. 

One day, while waiting for our daughter to be released from surgery, I confronted him. Why was he so cruel to me? Why did I deserve the pain? 

He looked me in the eyes and told me this one thing: "You're not the girl I fell in love with. You're not the same. You were so sweet and happy. And now you're bitter and hateful. The world darkened you, and you're not the same." 

That was why I deserved his abuse, which was the very thing that made me bitter. 

That was why I deserved being left alone to go through this ordeal, which was the very thing that darkened me.

It's been five years, and I now have depression and anxiety. I have a hard time with my relationships. I never know if I can trust the man I'm with, for numerous reasons. 

I'm the girl who apologizes for existing. 

He was right. I'm not the same.

"Life will always work out for someone like you."

The day after my boyfriend and I broke up, I sobbed about it on the phone with my cousin, who was three months younger than I was. 

For hours we relived our childhood memories and the games we created together and holidays we spent together. We talked about how excited we were to see each other in three weeks, when she would have her new car and I would be done with my semester. 

She told me, "Life will always work out for someone like you." 

She turned my tears into laughter. 

She died an hour and a half later in a car accident. 

I like to think that God, if there is one, knew he was going to take her and gave me one last time to relive everything we did together and how much we loved each other. 

During that phone call, I told her for the first time, "I know you look up to me, but I want you to know that your big cousin looks up to you too." I felt the urge to say this, out of nowhere. 

I miss her every day, but that last conversation is what keeps me together. I'm so thankful for whatever in the universe gave me that solace to be able to say goodbye, even when I didn't know I would have to. 

I live by her words, that life will work out for someone like me. And she gets to look down from heaven and watch it happen.
 

What Hurt the Most

I'm not mad. I won't be mad. I refuse to be. All the kisses are good memories, the presents, the loving smiles and lovey dovey talking. 

Now it's different. You lost your focus for me, and gained it for my best friend. That emotionally killed me. Me desire to go on was crushed, but I was determined to stay friend with you. 

Then you proceeded to tell me that life was hard for you because you had no chance with her. That hurt me the most.
 

Something To Live For

I was having an extremely hard day with my depression. I was walking down the street when my friend's mom called and told me that he had commit suicide. I broke down in tears while people walked around me, whispering things, staring. 

But one person - we'll call him Rick for the sake of anonymity - stopped, gave me a hug, and told me that everything I was going through would end okay, that the pain would pass. 

He walked me home. I asked him to come in for some coffee, as a way of thanking him, since I had really needed that hug. He came in, and asked me if I was willing to tell him what had happened. I told about our friendship, all we'd been through together, and what had happened. I broke down in tears and he held me until I stopped crying. He told me about his mom, how she had committed suicide after his little sister died from the accident she and his mother were in. I listened to him like he did to me, we shared stories, memories, and secrets. 

It's been 7 years now, and he's my best friend and my boyfriend. After I was told about my friend committing suicide, I had seriously considered it myself. But thanks to him, to that amazing man, I didn't. He showed me that there is still good in life, there's still hope, there's still something to live for.
 

Amazing

"You talk too much. No one cares." - My aunt, when I was 8.

"Who sings this? How about you leave it to them?" - My father, when I was 11.

"Your hair doesn't matter. No one is going to be looking at it with those thunder thighs in the picture. You'd be pretty if you'd just stop eating." - Also my dad, when I was 13.

"No one will ever be as amazing as you are." - My husband, frequently. 

"Incessant piece of crap."

When I was a sophomore I had a horrible, horrible breakup with a guy I dated for a little over a year. He ended up leaving me for the girl he had told me for months was "just a friend". 

After he left, I tried to at least salvage my friendship with him since we had once been very close friends, only to get a reply from his new girlfriend telling me I was an "incessant piece of crap" and that, the universe would be better off if trash like me killed themselves. 

This put me in a really dark place, and it just got worse after my emotional support (my dog I had since I was a toddler) died in my arms, and two puppies I adopted after her death died weeks after their adoption. 

After that, I began to believe what she had told me. I began blaming myself for the deaths of my pets and began wishing I was just dead so no other creature would have to suffer my existence. 

It took a long time and a lot of therapy before I was finally pulled out of the dark place her words had sent me to, but even to this day if something goes wrong her words echo in the back of my mind and linger like a shadow following me.
 

"I've always loved you."

It was 2010. I moved to a new town and was starting my first year of high school. I saw this guy around school all the time. He was a year ahead of me. I wanted to get to know him but I was too shy. I was just the new girl. One day, he approached me, and from that one encounter, we soon became best friends. But for me, shortly after, I realized that I loved him.

I could never tell him, because I didn't want to ruin what we shared. Years went by, and I got into a relationship in late 2012. He had been dating a girl since the year before. Things were going well. We were such great friends. Yet, despite having a boyfriend and caring about him, I couldn't help but love my best friend still. I'd fantasize what it must be like to hold his hand with our fingers intertwined. Or what it would be like to gently plant a kiss on his lips. 

But it was only in my dreams.

A few more years went by. And we both got out of our toxic relationships. It was 2014. I had just graduated from high school. We were at my house one day in the summer, laughing and drinking Capri Sun, having the most hilarious conversation, when he suddenly fell silent and whispered to me "You know...I've always loved you." 

I was stunned. At first I thought I was dreaming. But when I whispered "what..?" He smiled and said it again. "I've always loved you."

It is now 2016, and we are happily with one another. And I couldn't ask for anything more than to be with my best friend. Always.