"Whale of a woman in the humongous dress."

I've always had self image issues, but now I am married to a wonderful man who loves every inch of me exactly how it is. I've always worn jeans and big t-shirts and sweatshirts to cover up my imperfections, and also to just feel comfortable.

My husband recently very gently suggested that because I'm getting older and working, that maybe I should start dressing more professionally and wearing dresses. 

So I took him shopping with me. We had a great time, which I had never experienced while clothes shopping previously. When I tried on a dress, his jaw hit the floor. He absolutely loved it! He raved about how beautiful I was. I felt on top of the world. So much so I wanted to show myself off.

So that night, we got all dressed up and went out on the town. As we sat down to eat, I felt like everyone was staring at me. I was so uncomfortable. I excused myself and went into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, and a wave of insecurity swept over me. I went into the stall and tried to breath through the urge to cry. 

Then three very beautiful, stuck up women walked into the bathroom. Naturally, I made no noise waiting for them to leave. 

They began talking about an "ugly whale of a woman in the humongous dress." 

"The guy is so cute," one of them said. "Why the f*** is he with her?" 

The others agreed and giggled. By the time they left, I was a balling mess. I left the bathroom then the restaurant with no explanation to my husband. 

Sometime later I told him about what happened. Of course he was as supportive as he could be. But I never wore that dress or any other since then. 

I have slowly worked on my self image and it has improved (most days anyway). I've started to dress more professionally, but for some reason I just can't bring myself over that last hill of actually wearing a dress again, although I've purchased many. Maybe some day I will get over those mean girl comments. 

But I still teach my children, and all who will listen, to be accepting of all people no matter what.

Surprise Lisp.

Freshman year of high school, I was super nervous about meeting new friends.

At lunchtime, I introduced myself to a cute boy.

I said "Hey I'm Kristen" and, instead of introducing himself to me, he mocked me by saying, "You're Krithten?"

I didn't even know I had a lisp until that moment.

Now I am acutely aware of and very self conscious of the way I sound when I talk.

Maybe that's why I don't talk often.

"Too fat for food."

When I was in middle school, I got bullied a lot for being on the heavy side.

On the first day of 8th grade, I was sitting by myself at lunch when a group of girls came up to me and told me I was too fat for food, and they threw my food away.

Buck Teeth

When I was in 7th grade, a boy told me I had buck teeth.

I was already self-conscious of them, and this made it so much worse.

When I grow up, I will get my teeth shortened.

Beached Whale

It wasn't that hurtful when my cousin told me I looked like a beached whale.

But when my mother added, "But a pretty beached whale," I broke down.

"We can't sit next to her. She might be a Muslim."

I always thought that a campus library was a place people go to study quietly. That's exactly what I was doing. I was sitting at a four person table with my math textbook and notebook in front of me, quickly and accurately working out and solving math equations. Three seats were unoccupied.

You saw me and said, "We can't sit next to her. She might be a Muslim."

I don't wear a hijab, but that doesn't make me any less Muslim than a woman who does. And, to clarify, I am actually half Muslim and half Hindu.

Regardless of those facts, so what if I'm Muslim?
Does my brown skin offend you?
Do my tattoos and long dark brown hair suggest something?
Why does me being a Muslim deter you from sharing a public space with me?
Why does me being Muslim bother you?
Does my lack of a hijab make you think that I am some radical form of Muslim?

I just wish to understand why my religion is an issue to you. I guess it just does not make any sense...especially because you never once said a word to me in your life, and because well...this is a library.

I'm doing math homework.
You probably want to do homework as well.
The table is not going to hurt you.
Neither will I, nor will my religion.

"You're never going to find someone better than me."

A few years ago I was in a very abusive relationship, both mentally and physically.

Looking back on it now, I had a lot going for myself. I was smart and driven and kind, but I was so insecure, and he saw that so he used it against me.

He would always tell me, "You're never going to find someone better than me."

He said it so many times I believed it to be true. Like, yeah I could move on. I could start over. But why? What for? What if the new guy is just as bad but if not worse? It's not like anyone better would want me anyways, right?

I held onto his words for years.

But now it's four years later, and I found someone better. And I'm happy.

"She may be two years older, but she's not two years better."

I have a brother who is two years younger than I am. One night after I was supposed to be asleep, I heard my dad and brother talking downstairs. I opened my door so I could hear. 

They were talking about academics and our respective intelligence. 

I heard my dad say, "She may be two years older, but she's not two years better," and then he and my brother kind of chuckled. 

This really hurt because my dad and I are really close and I try so hard to impress him and to make him proud. 

It just made me feel like no matter what I do, it will never be more impressive than what my brother does.

"You're really pretty."

I used to always think the worst of myself. Putting myself down was part of my daily routine.

One day I was with a boyfriend at one of his family reunions. I thought my hair looked awful and my shirt look a little too worn.

Then a little girl came up to me. She looked me straight in the eye with the cutest face and said, "You're really pretty."

Before I could even respond she ran away with the biggest smile on her face.

That still puts a smile on my face still to this day. I'll never forget it.

"I love how tiny and adorable you are!"

"I love how tiny and adorable you are!"

Growing up, I would hear countless compliments on how small and petite I was. 

When puberty hit, anorexia took over. Because as a shy girl, my small size was the only thing people ever noticed about me.

Now "recovered," I hate myself even more.