"No one is ever going to want you."

/

Being a size 6, I've never thought I was fat, I just knew I wasn't a size 00, which was fine with me. 

But my ex loved to say things like, "How can you still be hungry?" or, "Do you really need to eat that?" or, "Eat up fatty." I had always laughed it off and convinced myself he was joking.

It wasn't until one night that it really got to me. We were eating out and he refused to let me order dessert. He looked at me and said, "You need to stop with the food. If you keep it up, no one is ever going to want you. I don't date fat girls."

Looking back on it, I'm not sure why I stayed with someone so critical and hateful. Maybe it was the feeling that I needed to be accepted by him to validate my worth. 

It wasn't until months later, after I had worked out and starved myself to exhaustion that I realized he was fighting a battle with himself all along, and that there was never anything wrong with me.

Years later, I'm now with a man who tells me every day how beautiful "every inch of me" is. He's convinced I've never had enough to eat, and he always, always says yes when I want to order dessert.
 

"Wow. You're PRETTY."

/

I have only ever seriously dated one guy, and he has only ever dated me, so I was the first girl he ever brought home.

The first Thanksgiving I spent with his family was about 5 months after we started dating, and it was the first time I was going to meet his extended family. I was fairly nervous, and spent two hours on my hair and make-up. I wore a dress that I had bought three years earlier, but had never worn because I was too self-conscious.

We walked into the kitchen where his aunt was in full whirlwind mode cooking the turkey. My boyfriend got her attention, and she turned around to shake my hand and stopped dead in her tracks to say, "Wow. You're PRETTY."

She said it like it was the biggest surprise of her life. 

Honestly, in the moment, it made me feel amazing. But after reflecting on it, I have never liked her because of that. She didn't think my boyfriend was good enough to have a pretty girlfriend. What the hell does she know.

"Bigger, larger, hairier and uncut."

/

One day in middle school, I was talking to a goofy guy I kind of liked and another guy who was always sort of mean to everyone. When class was over I said, "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow." My crush replied, "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow," and then stage whispered to the other guy, "...undressed."

I assume he was trying to be flirty and cute, but before I could really react to his comment, his friend scanned my body from head to toe with his eyes, scoffed, and said, "Yeah. Bigger, larger, hairier and uncut." (A timely reference to the South Park Movie.)

Now, I DO admit that the joke was solid, but those words basically fueled a life-long insecurity when it comes to men finding me attractive. 

I am 30 years old, and getting married in April. Those were the first words that came into my head when I tried on my wedding dress.
 

"No one will ever want to date you."

/

One day in 8th grade, while waiting for my parents to pick me up, I was talking to my ex boyfriend and his group of friends. My ex and I had just broken up, but we were still on good terms. 

While we were all talking, my ex's brother interrupted us and said, "You're so ugly. No one will ever want to date you, besides my brother." 

I've always been bullied and called ugly, but it hurt even more coming from someone who actually knows who I am. 

I'm still not over the insecurities that came from middle and high school bullying. And I'm starting to think I never will be.

They are my legs.

/

All my life, I've had bigger legs. I've always been self conscious of them, but I've tried not to let it get to me. I acted like I didn't care what people thought, and wore what was "in style," like short shorts. 

When I was 15, I had a huge crush on a boy, and I knew his feelings were mutual. We hung out alone a couple times, but I would never kiss him like he always wanted. 

He always teased me and compared me to another girl he used to date, saying that she wouldn't have a problem kissing him and that she wasn't so shy.

He also told me my legs weren't much to brag about.  

That little comment stuck in the back of my mind for years. 

I didn't want to wear average swimming bottoms anymore. I didn't want to wear shorter shorts anymore. There was a few years where I HATED my legs. I was so ashamed. And no matter how much I worked out, they never seemed to shrink.
 
I'm married now to a wonderful man (who loves my legs, I might add). Even though they aren't supermodel legs. He tells me they are beautiful and strong. 

You know what? They are. 

I started really getting into fitness, and my legs have actually grown! And I'm not ashamed. They are my legs, and I'm lucky to have them. 
 

"You'll never be raped."

/

My boyfriend and I were staying alone together one night, something we rarely got to do since he went to college about 5 hours away. Needless to say, it was a supposed to be a special night.

We'd been having sex for a year by then, but it was starting to hurt. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew that I physically could no longer have sex. And I honestly wasn't in the mood to do anything sexual because I was feeling so depressed about not being able to do it. 

That didn't seem to deter him.

He kept kissing me and it got to a point where it felt like we were fighting. It almost seemed like a game to him. It took me hitting, kicking, and biting him until he nearly bled for him to stop.

He lay down next to me while I curled into the fetal position, fighting back tears.

He said, "Well at least I know you'll never be raped!" Then he chuckled and went to sleep like nothing had happened. 

It still haunts me how close he came to succeeding, and how painful it would have been if he had.

Turns out I had a condition that makes sex very painful and I'm having surgery this week to remedy it.

He didn't believe me and thought he'd take advantage of the situation.

Screw that, I'd kick his ass every time.

"I don't care what they say!"

/

Last year I was dumped by someone I was madly in love with. I was sure he was my soulmate and we'd end up married.

After he broke up with me, I fell into a deep depression and I messed with my hair. I turned my long brown curly locks into a turquoise mohawk. 

Everyone told me I looked ridiculous. No one knew why I was depressed or that I even was depressed, so they didn't understand why I'd done it.

One day in the car, my mom was going on and on about how bad it looked. Suddenly, my four-year-old old niece looked up at me and said, "Well I don't care what they say! I think you look cute!" 

I almost cried on the spot.