Freshman year of high school, I was super nervous about meeting new friends.
At lunchtime, I introduced myself to a cute boy.
I said "Hey I'm Kristen" and, instead of introducing himself to me, he mocked me by saying, "You're Krithten?"
I didn't even know I had a lisp until that moment.
Now I am acutely aware of and very self conscious of the way I sound when I talk.
Maybe that's why I don't talk often.
I was born with really dark hair and had not yet discovered the luxury of waxing or bleaching.
There was this one guy I had a crush on in middle school, and we would IM back and forth after school sometimes.
He randomly said to me one day, "You have a mustache. You should shave it."
I did. And to this day, it's still one of my biggest insecurities.
I've always loved my boyfriend more than he's loved me.
Last April, I asked if he ever wanted to marry me. We got in a big fight. He said "I don't love you enough" and "It'll only end in divorce."
I think about it every day. Every. Single. Day. It's like a little asterisk every time he says I love you.
I love you*
*but not enough.
I cry almost every night, thinking about how long I have.
A few years ago I was in a very abusive relationship, both mentally and physically.
Looking back on it now, I had a lot going for myself. I was smart and driven and kind, but I was so insecure, and he saw that so he used it against me.
He would always tell me, "You're never going to find someone better than me."
He said it so many times I believed it to be true. Like, yeah I could move on. I could start over. But why? What for? What if the new guy is just as bad but if not worse? It's not like anyone better would want me anyways, right?
I held onto his words for years.
But now it's four years later, and I found someone better. And I'm happy.
I used to always think the worst of myself. Putting myself down was part of my daily routine.
One day I was with a boyfriend at one of his family reunions. I thought my hair looked awful and my shirt look a little too worn.
Then a little girl came up to me. She looked me straight in the eye with the cutest face and said, "You're really pretty."
Before I could even respond she ran away with the biggest smile on her face.
That still puts a smile on my face still to this day. I'll never forget it.
One summer in my early teens, I attended a co-ed sleep-away camp for the first time. I didn't have a ton of friends at home, so I was thrilled when the coolest kids at camp somehow deemed me worthy enough to be in their elite inner circle.
It was the early 2000s, and midriff-bearing tops with Juicy Couture sweatpants were super popular. Protected by a cluster of popular friends, I strutted around camp like I owned the place, shrouding my long, gangly legs in sweatpants and mini tank tops. I felt free and beautiful and cool.
There was one guy at camp who I had a crush on, but I was too shy to do anything. At that point, I had never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone. I got his AIM screen name, and once camp was over I started talking to him online. Maybe it was my newfound confidence that came with my brief stint as a popular girl, or maybe it was the safety of my computer screen, but I got up the courage to ask him what he thought about me.
It took him a while to get it out, but eventually he told me, "You should never wear sweatpants. Like, ever."
Apparently he and the rest of the guys all decided that I should not be allowed to wear sweatpants because they looked wrong on me with my long legs.
I wish I could say that after that moment, I realized what a loser this guy was, and how dare he have the audacity to think he had the authority to tell me what I could and couldn't wear.
But as a shy kid who just wanted to fit in, I felt like I had done something wrong, like I had failed. I felt ashamed. I stopped wearing sweatpants.
My boyfriend and I had gone a month without seeing each other until he finally could come to Pennsylvania to see me.
He came in March so it was still cold, with some snow on the ground, and a thin sheet of ice still on the ponds. He was from Texas and never had seen that much snow, and definitely never saw a pond frozen the way it was.
He started off by throwing ice onto the pond to see it shatter. He thought it was so cool, so he started to take some ginger steps onto it.
I told him to be careful because it was only 2 or 3 inches deep, and then he got on the ice. It started to crack and he almost broke through before he got back onto the bank, all while I told him to get out so he didn't fall through.
He made it back to the bank, laughing. He told me I was so boring.
He complained the rest of the trip that I was boring and wouldn't get on the ice with him.
I guess the girl he slept with and broke up with me for was more interesting.
A few months ago I was dating a guy who always told me that I was too hairy and that no one would love me.
These comments stuck to me like glue.
I asked one of my closest friends what he thought and his only response was, "Well you are really hairy, but I love you, so only one of those things is correct."
It hurt knowing that two people who were very important to me thought this. I constantly wondered who else thought this was true.
Shortly after my friend's comment I broke up with the guy and stopped talking to my friend.
Then I started dating another guy but never asked him if I was too hairy until today. His answer? "No."
The summer I turned 12 years old, I spent a lot of time at the local swimming pool. There was always something so calming about the water, whether it was the pool, the lake, the river. Playing in and being surrounded by water made me so comfortable. Being that comfortable was not a luxury I often had in my life, so I was especially thankful for these "retreats."
I had been working on perfecting my dive for a week or two, trying hard to keep up with those who made it look so effortless. I was so proud of the progress I had been making.
Then a boy I had a mild crush on said to me "The reason you can't dive is because of your back fat," and he laughed.
I was crushed. I had never even realized I had back fat. But as I twisted around and examined my body in the mirror, I did have a slight roll on each side, below my bra line.
I've had body image issues ever since, struggling with bouts of bulimia among other things.
To this day, when I look in the mirror as I dress, I am reminded of my imperfection, the cruel laughter at my expense.
I think of all the times over the past 15 years that I've silently agreed with him as I disapprovingly gazed at my flaws. And I'm kind of pissed about it, now as I end this story. How much of my self talk I've allowed to echo his voice since that day.
No more.
My boyfriend of almost five years wanted to go to a friend's house, where a ton of girls would be. I asked to go with him.
He said, "No one will have fun if you're there."
It still stings thinking about it.
I found out later that he was cheating with one of the girls. No wonder no one would have had fun.
Has anyone ever made a fleeting comment about you that immediately became tattooed onto the front of your brain for all of eternity, impacting your self-perception and self-worth? Whether it was an offhand comment made by someone you love and respect or a fleeting declaration by someone you barely know, we share the moments that stick.
