I survived a brief but horrifying relationship. What stuck with me was not the physical abuse, but these words, "You are not as good as you think you are."
Ten years later, I'm still battling those words in my head every day. Previously, I was an invincible Marine and elite rugby player. Now, daily, I struggle with my own self worth.
All my life, I never bothered dating. I knew my place as the guy's best friend. I was never the prettiest or the smartest, but I knew how to make people laugh.
I've known my husband since the 7th grade. We were best friends. Even then, I was head over heels for him, but never breathed a word.
When we finally did start seeing each other seven years later, I poured my heart out to him. I'd never dated, never been kissed, came with a ton of emotional baggage. I asked him why. Why bother? Why not go find someone else?
"You're worth it."
The first time in my life I had ever heard those three words, and it took me a very long time to believe it.
Eight years and two kids later, now I know for sure, we are worth it.
When I was in college, my roommate (who I secretly adored and idolized) caught me on my way to work one morning. I had just put on my make-up , which at the time was a grueling one hour ordeal of primping and preening.
He said to me, "I don't understand how you can wake up looking so ugly and leave looking so beautiful."
These words still itch under my skin and burn into my heart.
It's been 12 years.
When I moved back home, I worked at a restaurant with this guy whom I had previously known and always thought was really handsome. I was excited to be working with him and getting to know him. I couldn't wait to go to work and see him and spend time with him every day .
I'm pretty sure it was obvious how much I liked him, because one night he brought me home and we got together. At first I was hesitant because I was afraid of getting hurt, but I liked him so much, and he was really nice to me, so I took a chance.
We saw each other for about a month, until he got promoted. It was shortly after Christmas, and I remember getting him a present and everything. I couldn't wait to give it to him.
I walked out onto the porch and overheard him saying, "She gives a really good blow job, but I would never date her because her family is crazy and she's not attractive enough for me."
I walked away.
We never saw each other outside of work again.
Not long after having two open heart surgeries, I decided to start dating again.
I was seeing this guy for a few weeks before he broke things off.
When I asked him why, he told me it was because I was a "Frankenstein Zipper chest" and that my scar grossed him out.
A few years ago, I asked a guy out who I really liked. It was after months of flirting and other more intimate things. It was really hard for me to work up the courage to do it, but I thought that for sure he liked me and would be more than delighted to say yes.
But he never responded.
I knew he was busy with work so I just shrugged it off, until I found out that he had just recently started dating someone else.
A few months later, I asked him why her and not me?
His response was something I will never forget: "You're a great girl and we have chemistry, but you just aren't the pretty girl I want to be with."
That diminished all my self esteem for a long time.
It wasn't until recently that I had an epiphany: if he was willing to overlook the chemistry and date someone based on looks, it goes to show how little he thought of himself, not me.
I am currently in a relationship, and it is beyond great to know that someone loves me despite my looks. I do sometimes think about the other guy when I feel bad about myself, but I try to stay positive and remember all the good I have in my life.
Three years ago I was date raped.
I went out for drinks with a guy I'd met online. Had two beers, was far, far from drunk and decided to go back to his place. Things start to get heavy, he wanted to have sex, I asked if he had a condom, he said no, and neither did I, so I said no.
He begged.
I said no.
He said it'll be fine, I still said no.
He eventually said, "it's fine" and we kept kissing. Then I feel him penetrate me; I shoved him off me and leave quickly after.
After six horrible months, being depressed and suicidal, I finally decided to report him. I lived in Jersey so I saw a Jersey based rape crisis center who then helped me report it in NY. Once in NY I was bounced and forced between 4 different precincts. The first said they couldn't help me. The second said the rape happened in a different jurisdiction, the third (which was the correct district) wouldn't take me because they didn't believe me, so I went back to the second, they said they'd help. They took my report and sent me to the Special Victims Squad.
The Special Victims Squad didn't believe me. They called me desperate and said, "You don't know what Rape is, if you think Date Rape is real Rape." They claimed I was just pissed and "trying to get back at him" for him not wanting to date me.
As they shooed me out the door they added in, "Don't worry honey, you'll meet someone eventually. Just stay away from online dating."
Thanks for the advice.
Those two words are the worst two I've ever heard.
They came after being used for two years by a man I envisioned building a family with. I was completely blindsided. He never loved me. He never wanted me. He never planned a future with me, and for the life of me, I couldn't wash away the stain of his infidelity. Or mine. I couldn't wash away his touch or his children or his wife.
Every time our daughter cries, I hear him say, "I'm married."
One time when I was in high school my mother and I were talking about sex. My boyfriend at the time was an Evangelical Christian and because I loved him I had started to become one too. My mother kept trying to bring up sex and I kept laughing, insisting that we weren’t having sex - we weren’t - and to close the subject for good I told her that I was saving myself for marriage. She was stunned. She said, “But what if you’ve waited all that time and it’s bad?”
Always ready with Evangelical sound bites, I said, “If I have nothing to compare it to, how will I know?” I smiled. My mother looked me in the eyes, her face deadpan.
“You’ll know.”
Has anyone ever made a fleeting comment about you that immediately became tattooed onto the front of your brain for all of eternity, impacting your self-perception and self-worth? Whether it was an offhand comment made by someone you love and respect or a fleeting declaration by someone you barely know, we share the moments that stick.
