"I love how tiny and adorable you are!"
Growing up, I would hear countless compliments on how small and petite I was.
When puberty hit, anorexia took over. Because as a shy girl, my small size was the only thing people ever noticed about me.
Now "recovered," I hate myself even more.
My friends and everyone else always loved my laugh. They would tell me that it was unique and that it made them want to laugh, too.
I remember sitting in the classroom with my friends, doing our work. We had a substitute teacher that day, so it was just fun stuff.
At one point I was laughing so hard that my friends were laughing with me. Then the substitute teacher interrupted and said, "That's your real laugh? You sound like an evil witch. Don't laugh."
The rest of the day I was completely quiet. She was the first person to hate my laugh.
I was a new student, just moved from the south side of town. At age seven, I had no idea what class was, or that I was in a different social class.
A girl told me I was poor and that my shoes were dirty.
She bullied me and picked on me all the way until high school, making fun of the way I dressed.
I will never forget her. She made me feel terrible about myself. She taught me what "poor" meant.
The summer I turned 12 years old, I spent a lot of time at the local swimming pool. There was always something so calming about the water, whether it was the pool, the lake, the river. Playing in and being surrounded by water made me so comfortable. Being that comfortable was not a luxury I often had in my life, so I was especially thankful for these "retreats."
I had been working on perfecting my dive for a week or two, trying hard to keep up with those who made it look so effortless. I was so proud of the progress I had been making.
Then a boy I had a mild crush on said to me "The reason you can't dive is because of your back fat," and he laughed.
I was crushed. I had never even realized I had back fat. But as I twisted around and examined my body in the mirror, I did have a slight roll on each side, below my bra line.
I've had body image issues ever since, struggling with bouts of bulimia among other things.
To this day, when I look in the mirror as I dress, I am reminded of my imperfection, the cruel laughter at my expense.
I think of all the times over the past 15 years that I've silently agreed with him as I disapprovingly gazed at my flaws. And I'm kind of pissed about it, now as I end this story. How much of my self talk I've allowed to echo his voice since that day.
No more.
When I was 9, I would hang out with this girl all the time. We were the same age and our moms were the same age, so we would all hang out and go to barbecues and stuff.
I remember one day going over to their house and overhearing my friend's mother talking about a really important necklace of hers that had gone missing. She described it in detail.
When I went to use the bathroom, I remember picking up some stuffed animal, and I saw that her necklace was right under it! I was so proud to have found it, and I knew she was going to be so happy that I found it for her.
When I excitedly told her that I found it in the bathroom, she looked at me and said, "I know you stole this."
I remember trying to say, "No I actually found it... " and she just interrupted and said, "No you definitely stole this. You look like the type to steal."
I was just so upset. I thought she was going to be happy with me.
And for some reason, 14 years later I still think about that day.
My group of middle school girlfriends consisted of five of us total. The other four would often pair up against me in subtle but intentional ways, like ordering two Caesar salads at Cheesecake Factory for each pair to split while laughing at the fact that I was left out.
One day the five of us were hanging out with my longtime childhood friend who went to a different school, and we were all joking about how we wanted to violate all of the school rules on the last day of middle school, because there would be no consequences.
One of them joked that she'd wear a spaghetti strap tank top with her bra straps showing. Another said that she'd wear a miniskirt. I chimed in and said that I would wear like three hats.
There was an awkward silence and they all stared at me.
One of them said, "Ummm....ok..."
My childhood friend immediately reacted to this. "Whoa, why are you acting like that to her? Hats are also not allowed in school. That's a perfectly acceptable thing for her to say."
My friends didn't know how to react. They had never encountered someone standing up for me, since I had never done it myself.
It took this simple declaration from my old friend to really put into perspective how unfairly my middle school friends treated me for no reason.
Once we got to high school, we all parted ways.
When I was in middle school, a few girls who I had grown up with and used to be friends with started being mean to me.
One day around Christmas, we were on the bus on our way home from school. I had bushy and thick eyebrows at the time because of my heritage. One of the girls, who was wearing a fuzzy rimmed Santa hat, came up to me and stared at me for a second, and started pointing at my eyebrows. She then pointed to the rim of the hat and said, "What does this remind you of?"
She immediately started laughing with a few other girls as they exited the bus.
I was embarrassed and ashamed. I asked my mom to take me to get my brows done. I was still unhappy with the results, and now, at 26 years old, I obsessively style my eyebrows myself.
I have gotten a lot of good compliments about them, but in the back of my mind, they have to be "perfect."
I was an active fifth grade girl. Average build and outgoing. One day at the pool an older boy told me I was too fat for a bikini.
For the next five years I wore suits that covered my stomach and wouldn't show a lot of skin. I still have self image issues.
It didn't help throughout high school, my "BFF" would tell me that they needed to remodel the school to fit my fat ass. She would tell me to stop eating and poke my stomach.
I look back at my high school pictures and wonder how no one noticed how sickly I looked.
When I was little, I was extremely socially awkward and anxious. I had one friend who I spent all of my time with. She was also really socially awkward and shy, and looking back now, I realize that we probably used each other as a security blanket, allowing us to brave the terrifying abyss of kids on the playground. Simply having her by my side gave me a huge amount of comfort and peace, and I'm sure I did the same for her.
One day in fourth grade, we were on the playground together, and someone came up to us and said in a confident and booming voice, for the whole school to hear, "You two are together all the time! Don't you have any other friends?!"
We both felt embarrassed and ashamed, and didn't know how to respond. I don't think we even said anything back.
Those words would have stung no matter what, but they were extra hurtful because they were coming from our teacher. A teacher who was beloved and celebrated by everyone.
He died a few years ago, and the whole community was devastated.
I was only moderately devastated.
When I was in middle school, we had to read 25 books and write reports on them in order to earn our spot on a class trip at the end of the school year.
I was writing my own book in my free time, and I was really into it. I asked my teacher if it would be okay for me to submit pages from my original book instead of book reports on other books.
Instead of shutting me down and acting like it was just a stupid little project, she encouraged my creativity and let me share the pages with her instead of doing the book reports. She would read them with complete sincerity and respect, and then provide me with thoughtful and constructive comments.
One time she told me, "You could be a famous novelist."
It is because of her encouragement that I have always felt confident pursuing creative passions, even when they're against what everyone else is doing.
Has anyone ever made a fleeting comment about you that immediately became tattooed onto the front of your brain for all of eternity, impacting your self-perception and self-worth? Whether it was an offhand comment made by someone you love and respect or a fleeting declaration by someone you barely know, we share the moments that stick.
