"...piece in the backseat."

I was talking to this guy online for a few months. He always listened to what I had to say and let me vent, and he always responded when I messaged him. I told him about my love life and about school, and I sent him pictures of myself (nothing graphic).

Then one day we got into an argument, and he completely turned on me. He used everything I had shared with him against me. He twisted my own words around and used them to hurt me. He said: 

"You think because you are overweight you are worthless, so you will sleep with anything, male or female, and think it's cool. But no one will ever bring you home to meet mom and dad. You will always just be some piece in the backseat."

This was four or five years ago, but I still remember word for word what he said. I memorized it. 

"She's a fat ass and needs to get off the couch."

When I was 15, I overheard my mom talking to my stepdad about me. She said,  "She's a fat ass and needs to get off the couch." 

I'm 19 now, and have lost almost 100 pounds. But her words still hurt. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I never feel like I'm skinny enough.
 

"Colorful, like you!"

I love baking, and I usually try to bring whatever I bake to work or so I don't end up eating all of it. People are always very appreciative, and I always try to be as creative as possible and outdo my last confection.

It was Easter, and I didn't have time to bake like I usually do, but someone else had brought in some really cute chocolate pretzel bites with pastel M&Ms. I asked my coworker if she knew who brought them, and she said, "Oh, I thought you did because they are bright and colorful, like you!"

I think that low-key changed my life. It certainly finally gave me the confidence to color my hair purple, which I have always wanted to do, but until then had made due with a bright auburn.

This was last year, and I still think about it with pride when I get dressed or look in the mirror or pick out something colorful to wear or buy.

"You suck at this disease."

When I was in high school I suffered from bulimia. I decided to make a PSA on YouTube explaining the dangers of bulimia so no one would suffer the way I did. 

One of the first comments I got was: "Clearly you suck at this disease because you're fat as fuck. You will never get married. You will never have children. Until you drop 30 pounds people will always be laughing behind your fat ass!" 

I deleted the video that same night, but the comments still stayed burned in my brain. 

Fast forward to a year later. I told my new boyfriend about my eating disorder and this was what he said to me: 

"Well, no offense, but do you plan on losing any more weight? Because I like my women skinny." 

Two days later, he raped me in my own house. I got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage. I starved myself to stay skinny for him only to find out he cheated on me with several other girls on campus. I stayed with him for almost five months because after reading that one YouTube comment, I wholeheartedly believed no one else would want to date my fat ass. I stayed with him for as long as I did because I knew I couldn't do any better. 

That was five years ago. For the most part, I'm recovered, and I'm dating someone I've been good friends with for the last few years. He treats me better than I've ever known and tells me I'm sexy every single day. Some days I have a hard time believing him, and some days I think I don't deserve his love because of how I look. And some days I still blame myself for publishing that video knowing how cruel people on the internet can be. 
 

"Why would you worry about your hair?"

My husband was driving us to the store one day, and I asked him to roll up the window because the wind was blowing my hair too much. 

He responded, "With a fat ass and fat stomach, why would you worry about your hair?"

I was pregnant with our first child at the time. 

I haven't felt comfortable naked around my husband since. It's been thirty years. 
 

Five Pounds

I picked out my prom dress all by myself. It took me hours to find something that wasn't like anything anyone else was wearing, in my style, in the right price point for a broke high school student, and had appropriate coverage to get the approval from my parents. I finally found a dress that was perfect, and it was on sale! I couldn't wait to go home and try it on for my mom. 

I walked into the house with my first real "adult" purchase, put the gown on and stepped out of my bedroom, prepared for the ooh's and ahhh's. 

My mother gave me two looks and said, "You're going to lose five pounds before prom, right?" 

I've been on a weight roller coaster ever since. Thanks, Ma.

"...revolting."

I have two daughters. They are my life and I love them to death. The fact remains, however, that having children changed my body. It has made me so insecure, but I've been trying to embrace body positivity for myself.

I was recently on the phone with a dear male friend, and he was talking about his ex-girlfriend who had a child. He referred to her stomach as "disgusting", "vile", "revolting" and "strange".

It was like all the confidence that I had been building suddenly fell. I can't stop thinking about it. 
 

Bulldog Face

I gained a lot of weight with my pregnancy, so much that my brother in law made a joke that I had jowls like a bulldog.

"Do you eat one of those EVERY DAY?"

I'd had a bad morning, so I decided to treat myself to a Little Debbie brownie. I don't do this often (I really don't). I was running late, so I took it to school to eat it there. As soon as I opened the wrapper, one of my friends (or so I thought) asked, "Do you eat one of those EVERY DAY?" with a look of disgust. 

I said, "No, only rarely." Then my friend changed the subject and continued talking to another friend. 

You have no idea how awful, fat, and humiliated that made me feel. I still think about it, and I'll probably never forget it. Thanks for that.
 

Things My Grandma Says

"It's good that you'll be walking more, maybe you'll lose weight." 

"Don't you wish we looked like those girls? Don't you wish we were skinny like them?" 

"I don't believe you're a size 9, you look bigger." 

"Your dresses are shorter because you've gained weight" 

"Keep dancing, it's good exercise." 

"It's just trying on clothes, why are you making such a big deal about it?" 

And she wonders why I'm so sensitive about my body and what I wear.