"You're always eating!"

I so clearly remember the day that I started self-hating that it almost hurts to think about.

I had eaten a stupid chocolate bar that my mom had been saving to eat later. It wasn't the first time I'd done this. She walked in to the kitchen and yelled, "What the hell are you eating now?! You're always eating! You're too fat! You need to go on a diet!" 

Now, two years later, I have depression and anxiety, although she (along with the rest of my family) has failed to realize it. Every time I look in a mirror, the only thing running through my head is that stupid comment made by my own mother.

Please think about what you say to your kids. They remember every word you say to them, even when you don't.
 

My Nose

When I was 15, I was unamused by Beyonce's Super Bowl performance, so I posted a picture on Tumblr with a comment about how she was dressed like a hoe or something like that. I don't even know, it's been years, and I don't really have the same mindset anymore. 

A famous blog found it, posted it, and I got thousands of death threats in the course of 2 days. Funnily enough, the death threats weren't what bothered me. When people weren't attacking my statement, they started attacking everything they knew about me. One person told me my nose was huge and ugly. 

Prior to this, I had never seen anything wrong with my nose. It looked like a normal nose to me. Then, it was like, bam. Every day all I've ever been able to see is how big my nose is. How ugly it is. Even four years later, I look back at pictures I took then and notice that they were angled differently because I apparently didn't know what an ugly nose I had. 

Looking back now it's really surprising to me that I still carry that hatred for my nose. It's not crooked or hooked or anything (which is perfectly normal and sometimes beautiful for noses) but I am still, to this day, really self conscious about my nose. That's what stuck with me, I guess.

Captain Morgan

My mother's ex-husband was an alcoholic. His drink of choice was Captain Morgan mixed with Mountain Dew. I would smell it on him when he came home, I would smell it on him when he screamed at me, and I would smell it on him when he beat me. He would tell me how fat and useless and stupid I was, and I could smell it on his breath. 

To this day, I have trouble accepting compliments, and I can't stand the smell of Captain Morgan.

"...but she's beautiful!"

The only thing worse than people's disbelief that someone "like me" could get pregnant, is their reaction upon meeting my daughter.

"But... but she's beautiful!"

Yes. Yes she is.
 

Mannequin

When I was 12, I had to go swim suit shopping with my mother for a one piece to wear to my cousin's church camp. After picking an orange swim suit to represent our group's color, she pointed and the clear plastic mannequin the swim suit was on and laughed, "Oh look, even the mannequin has bigger boobs than you do!"

Rape Joke

When I was only 7 years old, in second grade, I was teased about my weight and my choices in clothes. No girls wanted to be my friend and guys called me ugly all the time. 

What stuck with me was that one day, a boy who I had a crush on told me the only way I would loss my virginity is if I got raped. 

I wonder how he would feel knowing that that is how it happened. That I lost my virginity against my will.
 

"Just look at you!"

I caught my boyfriend cheating on me again. I knew it was stupid to stay with him, but we had been dating since my freshman year of high school, and we were going on five years, so it terrified me to leave him. Each time he cheated on me was for a different reason, so I simply asked, "What's your excuse this time?" 

He looked at me with fury in his eyes and blurted out, "Well just look at you! You've let yourself go. You do not look the same as when I first met you. I know I don't look the same either, but I'm not as bad as you." 

I was stunned. I was a 150 pound 15 year old girl when we met, and stood in front of him as a 180 pound woman. 

I didn't even cry. I just excused myself from the room. 

I don't know what possessed me to stay with him for another year. He never even apologized. The most he ever said was, "That was a bad choice of words." 

After that night, I exercised constantly behind his back. To this day I'm a fitness freak, only because I'm scared to death of gaining weight and having another person fall out of love with me.
 

"You're too fat."

Once when I was in middle school, I was joking around with my dad and we were just having a grand ole time. Then I tried to climb on him, but he wouldn't let me. He said, "You're too fat to be doing this." 

I immediately stopped and ran and locked myself in my room and just cried and cried. I could hear my mom yelling at him for being such a dick. 

To this day I'm still conscious about my weight because of him, even though I'm a 130 lbs and 5'7" college girl.
 

Amazing

"You talk too much. No one cares." - My aunt, when I was 8.

"Who sings this? How about you leave it to them?" - My father, when I was 11.

"Your hair doesn't matter. No one is going to be looking at it with those thunder thighs in the picture. You'd be pretty if you'd just stop eating." - Also my dad, when I was 13.

"No one will ever be as amazing as you are." - My husband, frequently. 

"I can't wait until she turns sixteen."

When I turned twelve years old, I overheard our our 45-year-old neighbor say to my dad, "I can't wait until she turns sixteen so I can fuck the shit out of her." 

My neighbor didn't know that I heard him.

And my dad didn't know that I saw him punch our neighbor in the face.