"You look like a boy from behind."

/

When I was 11 years old, I hit puberty. I got taller and thinner overnight. I developed faster than the other girls, and they all made fun of me for it. 

I came home crying about it to my parents and they told me to laugh it off. 

Over the next few months I became even thinner. I was a stick. 

My stepmom and my dad told me, "You look like a boy from behind," because of my lack of curves. They continued telling me this for years. 

I'm 19 now and I still think about my "lack of curves" and how I "look like a boy from behind." 

I cant shake that.
 

Then, one day.

/

One day, when I was in the first grade, I was playing on the playground at school. I was never very outgoing and I didn't have a lot of friends. A second grade boy came over to me. He looked at me and said, "You aren't pretty." 

As a child, my first instinct was to say, "Yes I am! My momma told me I am!" 

With that, he quickly lashed out with, "Well, she lied." 

As I grew older, his words stuck with me. They took a bigger toll on my self confidence than I would like to admit. Something so seemingly small that happened to me as a child in the first grade impacted me for the next ten years. 

Then, one day when I was a camp counselor, I met a boy who told me he loved me. I thought I was sitting among the stars. No one outside of my family had ever told me they loved me before. For the first time since first grade, I felt like I was pretty enough. Like I was wanted.

Time went on and so did the relationship. Then one day, he spoke four words that cut me deep. "I don't love you."

I felt unwanted, unlovable. I was depressed for the longest time. 

Eventually I figured out how to enjoy just being me. I loved being myself again.

Then, one day, I met an amazing man with a great personality, and equally great looks. I was a second semester freshman in college. I quickly learned about him: his past, his family, his likes and dislikes, his dreams. He made me feel loved, wanted, and important. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love someone. And for the first time in a while, I knew I was good enough. Life seemed to fall into place. We talked about marriage, children, and growing old together. 

Then, one day as we were Skyping, he dropped his head in silence. Then he uttered the words I thought he would never say. "I don't think we're going to work. I don't love you". 

I was more than devastated. I was so heartbroken, I couldn't even cry. It was almost like my heart broke into two pieces, and then a million more. I could feel my heart shatter like glass in my chest. 

Days went by and I tried to hide the pain, but the nights were long. Often times I cried myself to sleep, other times I fell asleep from the pure exhaustion of crying so hard the night before. 

Weeks went by and I still missed him, but the tears stopped. Slowly but surely, I started to be me again. 

With the help of my best friend, I realized I was depending too much on others making me happy, that I had forgotten how to make myself happy. 

Now I am happily single. I enjoy every day. I'm going to take life by the horns. I'm going to keep knowing that I am pretty, I am wanted, and I am loved. 

Then, one day, I'll get make someone else feel the same way.

"You're a mixed breed."

/

I am Caucasian, African American, Irish, and Native American. I have caramel light skin and extremely curly hair. So I always stuck out like a sore thumb.

When I was in school the question I always got was, "What are you mixed with?"

Once I got to middle school, it turned from genuine curiosity to physical and verbal abuse. 

People would drag me by my hair or spit gum in my hair, so I had to cut it. 

People said things to me like: 

"You're a mixed breed. A mutt."

"You have no place in this world."

"You need to go kill yourself. The world would be better off."

I guess you can say I'm a rebel or a loner now, but I'm turning twenty soon and this is something that has always still stuck with me. I could never shake it. 

Now I take a high pride in being biracial, but back then I could never understand why people didn't like me. 

"Your shoes are very pink."

/

Growing up, my family didn't have much money. My parents always tried the best they could to provide for me.

In 8th grade, my mom treated me to a new pair of pink lace-up work-style boots from Kmart. I was so excited about them and confident that I could rock them, until I wore them to school.

After a day of awkward stares, I was walking to the bus stop when one of the popular kids told me, "Your shoes are very pink." 

I excitedly replied, "Thank you!" and I was feeling suddenly confident again. 

He chimed backed in as I was walking away, "I never said I liked them." And I was immediately shot down.

I went home and cried that night, and never wore the shoes again. The shoes my mother worked so hard to buy. 

It's funny how words can hurt a child so deeply.
 

Connect the Dots

/

In second grade, there was one kid who always picked on me. He called me lots of names and said lots of mean things to me all year, but the one thing that stuck with me the most was when he said, "Let's play connect the dots, and you're it!"

Kids can be so cruel. I couldn't help that I had freckles!

I'm 31 years old now, and I love all of me. I try not to let anyone's opinion bother me, but I still remember the way that kid made me feel all those years ago. 

"Is she pregnant?"

/

One day I was at my boyfriend's house watching TV with his family. I glanced over at him and saw that he said, "No," to his uncle. I asked what his uncle had asked him, and my boyfriend responded, "Nothing, babe."

I persisted, and eventually he told me. 

"He asked if you were pregnant."

I felt my heart drop. 

I got up and walked out of the room and cried.

I lost 25 pounds within the next month. I worked out twice a day and hardly ate. 

My boyfriend is very supportive and always has been. He's never made me feel fat or ugly, but whenever I look in the mirror or eat, I hear those words over and over in my head.