"No one is ever going to want you."

Being a size 6, I've never thought I was fat, I just knew I wasn't a size 00, which was fine with me. 

But my ex loved to say things like, "How can you still be hungry?" or, "Do you really need to eat that?" or, "Eat up fatty." I had always laughed it off and convinced myself he was joking.

It wasn't until one night that it really got to me. We were eating out and he refused to let me order dessert. He looked at me and said, "You need to stop with the food. If you keep it up, no one is ever going to want you. I don't date fat girls."

Looking back on it, I'm not sure why I stayed with someone so critical and hateful. Maybe it was the feeling that I needed to be accepted by him to validate my worth. 

It wasn't until months later, after I had worked out and starved myself to exhaustion that I realized he was fighting a battle with himself all along, and that there was never anything wrong with me.

Years later, I'm now with a man who tells me every day how beautiful "every inch of me" is. He's convinced I've never had enough to eat, and he always, always says yes when I want to order dessert.
 

Thunder Thighs

When I was in middle school, a group of boys used to come by my locker and call me Thunder Thighs. This gave me such a complex that I started dieting so hard, and I eventually began to starve myself.

My parents were so busy that they didn't even notice, until one day a neighbor said to them, "She sure looks good now that she's lost all that weight!"

My stepmom actually looked at me and said, "Oh, I never noticed till now." 

I realize now that my extreme weight loss was a call for help. But no one asked me why or how I had lost so much weight. They all just thought I looked good. 

Now, many years later later, I'm Facebook friends with one of the guys who used to make fun of me. I wonder if he remembers what he used to call me. I've never brought it up to him. 

I found out recently that he has cancer, and I do feel bad for him. But his words still haunt me. 
 

"Wow. You're PRETTY."

I have only ever seriously dated one guy, and he has only ever dated me, so I was the first girl he ever brought home.

The first Thanksgiving I spent with his family was about 5 months after we started dating, and it was the first time I was going to meet his extended family. I was fairly nervous, and spent two hours on my hair and make-up. I wore a dress that I had bought three years earlier, but had never worn because I was too self-conscious.

We walked into the kitchen where his aunt was in full whirlwind mode cooking the turkey. My boyfriend got her attention, and she turned around to shake my hand and stopped dead in her tracks to say, "Wow. You're PRETTY."

She said it like it was the biggest surprise of her life. 

Honestly, in the moment, it made me feel amazing. But after reflecting on it, I have never liked her because of that. She didn't think my boyfriend was good enough to have a pretty girlfriend. What the hell does she know.

"Bigger, larger, hairier and uncut."

One day in middle school, I was talking to a goofy guy I kind of liked and another guy who was always sort of mean to everyone. When class was over I said, "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow." My crush replied, "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow," and then stage whispered to the other guy, "...undressed."

I assume he was trying to be flirty and cute, but before I could really react to his comment, his friend scanned my body from head to toe with his eyes, scoffed, and said, "Yeah. Bigger, larger, hairier and uncut." (A timely reference to the South Park Movie.)

Now, I DO admit that the joke was solid, but those words basically fueled a life-long insecurity when it comes to men finding me attractive. 

I am 30 years old, and getting married in April. Those were the first words that came into my head when I tried on my wedding dress.
 

"You finally know how it feels."

I'm the youngest of five kids, and by far the heaviest. I've always been the fat kid. And my older sister always made fun of me for it.

A few years ago during Christmas when I was 17, my sister had put on a bit of weight and my dad jokingly pointed it out. 

I later walked in on my sister crying about it in the kitchen as she poured herself a drink. I remember thinking, "You finally know how it feels."

I still feel bad for thinking that.

"I'll give you the f*cking gun."

When I was 11 and my sister was 15, my sister and I were having yet another argument with our mom about us being so overweight. 

According to my mom, we, "Would never find love," and, "How could anyone love us when we are just a couple of fat asses?" The usual arguments. 

(Note: I was only about 40 pounds overweight, my sister about 75. We weren't gigantic, but overweight.)

I was crying of course, so my sister spoke up mid-argument and said, "This is why so many kids our age are killing themselves!" 

I'll forever remember the tone in my mom's voice and the look in her eyes when she looked at us and said, "I'll give you the f*cking gun." 

I still think about it every single day.

"Too fat for the slide."

Growing up, I was always a little on the curvy side. I developed very early, and by age 8, wearing a bra was not even a question. 

One day while walking to the local park with my neighbor and her granddaughter, the granddaughter turned to me and said, "I don't know how you're going to play at the park. You're probably going to break the slide going down, because you're too fat." 

I felt the tears begin to swell up in my eyes. I turned to go home, but I was too far to walk on my own. My neighbor saw me begin to tear up, and all she said in response was, "Well, are we going to cry or walk to the park?" 

Even as a child, I knew that the way they were treating me was wrong. I trudged on to the park, but didn't get on any of the equipment. 

Ever since this experience, I always feel like everything I sit on is going to either break, crack, or fall apart.

"You should try to look more like her."

Freshman year of college, my extended family came over to our house for the Passover Seder. I had definitely gained the Freshman 15, but I didn't really feel bad about it or give it much thought. 

I was standing and talking to my younger cousin, who is rail thin. My great aunt came over to us, tried to pinch my cousin's stomach but couldn't, then turned to me and said, "Oh, sweetie, doesn't your cousin look great? You should try to look more like her."

I immediately excused myself to go into another room, and completely broke down and cried. My cousin, who is one of my best friends to this day, came in to find me. She told me how awful that experience had been, and assured me that our aunt was insane. 

I still think about that moment often. At every family gathering I become extremely self-conscious, just waiting for the criticism to come.

"That's gonna add time to your workout!"

My sister is a bikini model and our parents always compare us. I've always struggled with my weight and recently started working out more on my own. 

One day, after I had eaten three Oreos, my dad said to me, "That's gonna add time to your workout!"

He then took the package away.

I haven't had an Oreo since.
 

"Whale of a woman in the humongous dress."

I've always had self image issues, but now I am married to a wonderful man who loves every inch of me exactly how it is. I've always worn jeans and big t-shirts and sweatshirts to cover up my imperfections, and also to just feel comfortable.

My husband recently very gently suggested that because I'm getting older and working, that maybe I should start dressing more professionally and wearing dresses. 

So I took him shopping with me. We had a great time, which I had never experienced while clothes shopping previously. When I tried on a dress, his jaw hit the floor. He absolutely loved it! He raved about how beautiful I was. I felt on top of the world. So much so I wanted to show myself off.

So that night, we got all dressed up and went out on the town. As we sat down to eat, I felt like everyone was staring at me. I was so uncomfortable. I excused myself and went into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, and a wave of insecurity swept over me. I went into the stall and tried to breath through the urge to cry. 

Then three very beautiful, stuck up women walked into the bathroom. Naturally, I made no noise waiting for them to leave. 

They began talking about an "ugly whale of a woman in the humongous dress." 

"The guy is so cute," one of them said. "Why the f*** is he with her?" 

The others agreed and giggled. By the time they left, I was a balling mess. I left the bathroom then the restaurant with no explanation to my husband. 

Sometime later I told him about what happened. Of course he was as supportive as he could be. But I never wore that dress or any other since then. 

I have slowly worked on my self image and it has improved (most days anyway). I've started to dress more professionally, but for some reason I just can't bring myself over that last hill of actually wearing a dress again, although I've purchased many. Maybe some day I will get over those mean girl comments. 

But I still teach my children, and all who will listen, to be accepting of all people no matter what.