"Good, bad, or indifferent, however you feel about them is alright."

Neither of my parents were in my life. I was raised by my maternal grandmother.

One day, when I was about 7 or 8, I remember coming to her asking why my dad and mom didn't want me. As I started to cry, my grandmother held me and said, "Honey! Honey. Listen to me. Your father and mother are the ones missing out. And they will regret it because you are an intelligent, beautiful, sweet girl who will grow into an amazing young woman. And when they do start wanting to come around and try to make amends? Good, bad, or indifferent, however you feel about them is alright. Don't let me, your aunt, your uncle, cousins, your godparents, your mother, your father, or whoever tell you how to feel."

Years later, what she said did come true. My father has apologized numerous times for not being there and so has my mother. But I'm in my prime, I'm in my 20s. And sometimes they get upset when I don't call them or talk to them as much like I do my grandmother, aunt, cousins, etc. 

But I just ignore both of them because I remember what my grandmother said all those years ago. 

"Good, bad, or indifferent, however you feel about them is alright."

"Why does this shit always happen to you?"

My parents divorced when I was 7. My father, who I loved so much, didn't want much to do with my brother and me after. He'd tell us he'd pick us up on Christmas, then not show up. My mother would offer to drop us off at his place and pick us up, but he'd say he was too busy. 

When I was 19, I was in a car accident, so my mother suggested I call my father to ask him for help, since he was a police officer. I will never, till my dying day, forget his words.

"Why does this shit always happen to you? You're a fuck up just like your mother, and every thing you have is shit. I can't deal with you. Don't ask me for anything". 

I was completely crushed. I cried for days. I never spoke to him again. My children never knew him, and he died alone. I had absolutely no guilt. But when I think of his last words to me, 24 years later, I still cry. 

"You'd fail."

"You could have at least worn wings." - My dad, after my performance as the fairy in Velveteen Rabbit in middle school. 

"You'd fail in the army. Your sister would excel and your brother would even do well, but you're too sensitive. You'd fail." - My dad, after I told him I planned join the army after high school.

"She's only going to college because she has nowhere else to live." - My dad, when I got accepted to my first choice college.

"All right, that's enough kids for now." - My dad, moments after I delivered my second child.

"Hey you, I haven't heard from you in a while." - My dad, recently. 

Wonder why.

Five Pounds

I picked out my prom dress all by myself. It took me hours to find something that wasn't like anything anyone else was wearing, in my style, in the right price point for a broke high school student, and had appropriate coverage to get the approval from my parents. I finally found a dress that was perfect, and it was on sale! I couldn't wait to go home and try it on for my mom. 

I walked into the house with my first real "adult" purchase, put the gown on and stepped out of my bedroom, prepared for the ooh's and ahhh's. 

My mother gave me two looks and said, "You're going to lose five pounds before prom, right?" 

I've been on a weight roller coaster ever since. Thanks, Ma.

"You need to learn how to shut your mouth."

For as long as I can remember, I was sexually harassed by a family member. He sent me dirty pictures, asked for sexual favors, and told me that when I was old enough, he would show me what love meant and more. 

I tried to tell my family multiple times. No one believed me. Every time I spoke up, he would back off for a short time, but when he started again it would be more aggressive.

What stuck with me the most was after the last time I tried to say anything, another family member said to me, "You're nothing but a liar who likes to cause drama, and you need to learn how to shut your mouth." 

After that, I kept silent for 5 years before finally trying to tell someone else. 
 

"Despite your circumstances..."

I went into foster care when I was 16. I made the choice to do it, not wanting to go back to my abusive father after being taken from my drug addict mother. 

I had switched schools twice that year and got diagnosed with depression and bipolar. I felt depressed most days because of my parents, being at a new school, etc. 

But I had one amazing teacher who was always commending me on my schoolwork. I remember one thing in particular he said to me: "Despite the classes you're taking, and despite your circumstances, you're still managing to kick ASS in my class." 

That comment still makes me smile to this day. 

He ended up writing me a letter of recommendation for college and calling me over the summer to see how I was doing. This was back in 2010 and a thank you letter to him is long overdue. 

There were lots of horrible things that my parents said during my time in foster care which stuck with me too, but I wanted to share something that actually made me feel good about myself.

"I'm going to make sure my grandbaby isn't going to hell."

I started dating my now-fiancé when I was 16, and his mother hated me from the start. She has said many hurtful things over the years, but one in particular sticks with me. We were barbecuing at my fiancé's house, and he went inside to help his dad, leaving me alone outside with his mom.

Ever since I told her that I'm agnostic, she's always gone on about how I'm going to hell. But that night she brought up children and baptism. I told her that I would not be baptizing my child because I believe it's a choice to be left up to them. 

She put her hand on mine and said, "You won't be there, but I'm going to make sure my grandbaby isn't going to hell, too." 

I never told my fiancé what his mother said, but it makes me scared to have children.

"You don't want to touch her..."

When I was 16, I was molested by a guy I had known for years, and he gave me an incurable STD.

One night, after this had occurred, I went out with my sister and a guy she was dating. 

Somehow the topic of threesomes came up, and I noticed my sister texting her date: "You don't want to touch her because she's dirty."

To this day, I can't bring myself to tell my sister that what she said killed me a little inside. 
 

Gay Lunchbox Brigade

The week before 7th grade, my family and I went back to school shopping. I found this awesome lunchbox with monarch butterflies on the front, and I was so excited to bring it to school. 

Flash forward to the first day of school, lunch period.

As walked to the cafeteria, the most popular girl in school walked by, and sneered at me, saying, "What are you, in the gay lunchbox brigade?"

I went home and begged my mom to get me a plain, black, boring lunchbox. When she said no, I carried my butterfly lunchbox for rest of the school year.

"Do you eat one of those EVERY DAY?"

I'd had a bad morning, so I decided to treat myself to a Little Debbie brownie. I don't do this often (I really don't). I was running late, so I took it to school to eat it there. As soon as I opened the wrapper, one of my friends (or so I thought) asked, "Do you eat one of those EVERY DAY?" with a look of disgust. 

I said, "No, only rarely." Then my friend changed the subject and continued talking to another friend. 

You have no idea how awful, fat, and humiliated that made me feel. I still think about it, and I'll probably never forget it. Thanks for that.