"You should kill yourself..."

I was in a four-year relationship in which I was constantly hiding my emotions and bottling up everything that was bothering me. 

One day I woke up, and something clicked. I was so angry at him. I don't think I've ever been as angry as I was at that moment. 

I finally stood up for myself.

But it didn't make me feel better. I remember feeling so sad, so guilty. I remember my phone vibrating and reluctantly opening his message. 

"You should kill yourself, you abusive scum."

I think about that a lot. I have moved on, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forget his words.
 
I ended the relationship and found a very nice companion. It's so funny to me how a one-year relationship can be 100 times better than a relationship that lasted four years. 
 

"You don't want to touch her..."

When I was 16, I was molested by a guy I had known for years, and he gave me an incurable STD.

One night, after this had occurred, I went out with my sister and a guy she was dating. 

Somehow the topic of threesomes came up, and I noticed my sister texting her date: "You don't want to touch her because she's dirty."

To this day, I can't bring myself to tell my sister that what she said killed me a little inside. 
 

"You were such a difficult child."

When I was very young, my mother married a man who turned out to be sadistic and abusive in many ways. A few years later, my mother left me with my biological father because I told someone what was happening.

For years, I carried anger and resentment over all of this and hoped that one day I would get the apology I felt I deserved. 

One night when I was an adult, during a lengthy conversation with my mother over all the abuses I went through and how I felt abandoned and betrayed, she said, "I'm sorry that's how you felt. But you were such a difficult child." 

This was devastating to say the least. 

The realization that my own mother felt I deserved what I went through because I was "such a difficult child," and that the genuine apology I wanted so deeply was never going to come, broke my heart. 

Our relationship is much better these days, but I can't tell you how often those words play in the back of my mind. 

"You were such a difficult child."

"When did you become a kicked dog?"

It had gotten late, the family party becoming more rowdy, so I grabbed my sleeping toddler, and my nearly sleeping child. I packed up our stuff, then made my way over to my husband. 

"Kids and I are ready to go whenever you are, babe." 

"We'll go when I'm ready," my husband snapped. He must have seen my disappointment, and he grabbed me for a hug and kissed me, just a peck. 

I turned to see my father behind us, shaking his head. "When did you become a kicked dog?" He asked. "Struck, then crawling back for the smallest ounce of affection."

Since then, every argument, every time I give just to not fight anymore, I see her. The kicked dog standing in the corner, waiting for the kindness that follows.

Gay Lunchbox Brigade

The week before 7th grade, my family and I went back to school shopping. I found this awesome lunchbox with monarch butterflies on the front, and I was so excited to bring it to school. 

Flash forward to the first day of school, lunch period.

As walked to the cafeteria, the most popular girl in school walked by, and sneered at me, saying, "What are you, in the gay lunchbox brigade?"

I went home and begged my mom to get me a plain, black, boring lunchbox. When she said no, I carried my butterfly lunchbox for rest of the school year.

"I wish I had been more open..."

My mother and I were sitting on the porch and after bickering all day. I was laughing with some of her friends who had come over. 

She looked straight at me and said, "I wish I had been more open to the option of abortion 15 years ago."

It was my 15th birthday. 

Things My Grandma Says

"It's good that you'll be walking more, maybe you'll lose weight." 

"Don't you wish we looked like those girls? Don't you wish we were skinny like them?" 

"I don't believe you're a size 9, you look bigger." 

"Your dresses are shorter because you've gained weight" 

"Keep dancing, it's good exercise." 

"It's just trying on clothes, why are you making such a big deal about it?" 

And she wonders why I'm so sensitive about my body and what I wear.

"Would you rather date her or me?"

When I was in elementary school, my best friend moved away. Four years later, in fourth grade, she finally moved back. I was overjoyed!

But our friendship wasn't the same as it used to be.  She would always tell me she was prettier, better than me, etc. 

One day at lunch, she went up to every boy in the cafeteria, pointed at me, and said things like, "Would you date her?" and, "Would you rather date her or me?" Every single guy said they would rather date her. 

I was only in fourth grade, and my best friend had just become my very first bully. 

"Thank you for all you do!"

A few years ago, I landed my dream job, but it wasn't what I thought it would be. My supervisor always demoralized me. Nothing I ever did was efficient enough or even warranted a passing "thank you." I was constantly criticized and told that I needed to be better. I felt so dejected by the end of the year. I was stressed, anxious, and couldn't sleep at night because my dream job was turning into a nightmare. 

At the end of the year, I quit and got hired for a different position under a new supervisor. A very kindly, warm person that actually made me feel like a human being. 

This new supervisor randomly sent me a note that said: "Thank you for all you do!" I realized that I HAD found my dream job, and that I had always been pretty good at it. For me, it wasn't the wrong job; it was just the wrong supervisor. 

 

"There is just something about you..."

At the end of high school and beginning of college, I dated a guy who I thought I loved. He was intelligent and seemed to really understand me when nobody else did. The first year was great, but after that, he started becoming angry easily and yelling at me a lot. Eventually, he started hitting me and raping me.

Most nights ended in him crying and apologizing. One night, however, he looked at me and said. "There is just something about you that makes good guys do bad things."

I'm now married to a great guy who helped me escape that other relationship. Though my husband has told me it wasn't my fault, I still wonder sometimes what it was about me that caused the abuse. I don't think I will ever be 100% okay.