"You're never going to find someone better than me."

A few years ago I was in a very abusive relationship, both mentally and physically.

Looking back on it now, I had a lot going for myself. I was smart and driven and kind, but I was so insecure, and he saw that so he used it against me.

He would always tell me, "You're never going to find someone better than me."

He said it so many times I believed it to be true. Like, yeah I could move on. I could start over. But why? What for? What if the new guy is just as bad but if not worse? It's not like anyone better would want me anyways, right?

I held onto his words for years.

But now it's four years later, and I found someone better. And I'm happy.

"She must not even care"

One day in high school, I was riding the bus home. It was a peaceful ride. I was reading my book, as I normally did, and keeping to myself.

All of a sudden I heard these two boys, one my age one older, start talking about me. These boys knew nothing about me, other than the fact that I was overweight.

They started talking about how gross it was to look at me, how I must be eating all the time to look like that. Then one of them said something that cut worse and deeper than anything else they had said: "She must not even care that she looks like that."

With that, a single tear hit the page I had stopped on.

Before I could even turn around to defend myself from these verbal attacks, they stood up and got off the bus.

I was left there, young, impressionable, and hurt.

They never knew the impact their words made on me, and they never will.

"I knew you were promiscuous..."

When I was sixteen I tried to tell my (alcoholic) mom that I had been raped four years prior. I don't know how I wanted her to respond, but I needed her to know. 

As she lay on the couch, I spilled my guts about the older guy that took advantage of me years ago. 

After I finish my story all she had to say was, "I knew you were promiscuous, but I didn't know it started that young." 

She then proceeded to fall back asleep. 
 

Girls Like Me

The night I was raped, my rapist told me, "To girls like you, no means yes."

This has stuck with me, because in a way its true. But not the way he meant it. 

Every time a teacher told me I wasn't smart enough, I studied harder and longer so I could tell her, "Yes I am."

When I was told I would never advance at work, I improved my numbers to prove to my boss that, "Yes I could."

So I guess he was right.
To girls like me, no means yes.
 

"You are not as good as you think you are."

I survived a brief but horrifying relationship. What stuck with me was not the physical abuse, but these words, "You are not as good as you think you are."

Ten years later, I'm still battling those words in my head every day. Previously, I was an invincible Marine and elite rugby player. Now, daily, I struggle with my own self worth.